I Need To Clear Something Up About Ham Being For Poors: MY COLUMN

I’m on the record as saying that ham is for poors. It’s a statement that I stand by. If you bring ham out as the main source of protein for Christmas, Thanksgiving, or any other large family gathering, you’re in the bottom 10 percent of financial standing. Don’t believe me? The proof is right here.

That being said, not all ham is bad ham. I know. I know. This might be turning your world inside out. There is always layers to food takes. For example, using bacon sometimes can actually be bad. It’s true. Those who have to use bacon in every fucking meal can’t cook. It’s a culinary crutch. Your potatoes suck? Throw some bacon in! Your salad isn’t tasty? Add bacon! Your pasta lacking pizzaz? Add some bacon. Fucking enough. Bacon is great for breakfast but I don’t need it in everything.

Layers.

Bacon is good but it can also be bad.

Ham is for poors but sometimes slumming isn’t all that bad.

To clarify, ham is perfectly fine on sandwiches. It’s perfectly fine on pizza. It’s perfectly fine wrapped inside of a chicken cordon bleu. You put that big, salty mother fucker on the table as a stand alone during the holidays and you’re in a world of economic hurt. I know it. You know it.