It'll Never Happen, But A R-Rated Version Of Pirates Of The Caribbean Would Be Fantastically Boss

Putting Johnny Cash over any trailer should be mandatory at this point. That man could make paint drying or even a preview for Nate At Night seem incredibly interesting.

Dammit, Disney. Damn you for making this average-at-best movie look incredibly entertaining. This trillion dollar juggernaut of a company will oversaturate anything. You give Disney a Triple Crown worthy horse and they’ll not only kill it but beat the dead body until it shits out the last nickel. And I don’t blame them one bit. Why wouldn’t they piss out a watered down Star Wars movie every year now until time stops? Rogue One was essentially geek fan fiction and crushed. Hell, it could’ve solely consisted of C-3PO goosing Chewbacca for 3.5 hours and it would’ve still grossed a billion dollars. Same goes for Pirates Of The Caribbean franchise. As long as Johnny Depp wants to get millions to play his butt-pirate Keith Richards then we’re going to get an OK film that will never be great. And that’s a damn shame because the original Pirates Of The Caribbean was a fantastic flick full of unlimited potential. The only way this ship can be saved is if Disney grew some balls for once in its existence and give this the Deadpool/Logan treatment. An R-Rated Pirates with a drunk Geoffrey Rush and drunker Johnny Depp slaying everything in sight would be an incredibly entertaining scene. But, nope. Disney gonna Disney, and I don’t blame them one bit.

Wait, I forgot they already made an R, nay, X-rated version of this franchise.


Long live Simon, the Pirate Porn King. May ye balls continue to be filled with rum and never go blue.

PS – I don’t regret using the term “Boss” in 2017 as much as I should.