A Woman's Boutique Invited Me Over To Chat Super Bowl And Ladies Fashion Annnnddd Now I Realize Why I'm Going To Die Alone

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“Hey Smitty, why aren’t you in Houston at the Super Bowl and living your dream by finally getting on Comedy Central?”

“Ahhhhhh, shit, I wanted to make it but I had this sit down with a Woman’s Boutique to discuss fashion I REALLY couldn’t miss. Priorities, man. Priorities.”

While much of Barstool is in Houston galavanting around with A-listers, partying in million dollar houses, and recruiting NFL players to ruin their lives by ditching millions to work for a smut blog, I was invited to the fine offices of @Shiptiques to talk about the big game and women’s fashion. Why? I’m not too sure, either. I’m not a Patriots fan and my fashion sense could best be described as “Homeless, yet homely”. But we Facebook Live’d the tits off anyways to magical results. And by magical I mean I’m pretty sure I offended all of them to the point of no return. Bitter Smitty holds nothing back. Oh well.

At least I’m self-aware at this point. If you’re a guy that possibly may want to land a female one day and not die alone, heed my advice and DON’T –

1) Talk shit on Beyonce. Women LOVE that bitch. Not even betch. Bitch with a capital B. Her tour checklist requirements alone could file her in the dictionary under that C word that I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say anymore. However, ladies love that thing so much to the point of Deity status. Degrading Queen Bey is a death sentence to any possible relationship. Saying she looked white doesn’t help, either. Neither did stomping on her face. Twice. #StepOnThroats

2) Tell women they shouldn’t talk. Not a good look, Adam. Now, I had a reason here to say just be quiet as she asked for advice for how a casual Pats fan can mingle at a Super Bowl party amongst die-hards. A) You bring dip. There no better icebreaker than good food. I’m pretty sure Hitler would’ve had different views if a few Jews cooked him up some delicious 1930’s Buffalo Chicken dip to calm his Reich. Dip alleviates all. And 2) Don’t talk unless you got something to bring to the table. That’s not just for women, that’s for ANYONE watching the big game around die-hards. There’s NOTHING worse than fakers screaming “GET HIMMMM!!!” at the TV every damn play. Real fans wouldn’t even put themselves in a position to be distracted. I personally would watch the Super Bowl alone or with my father in a cave the next time the Eagles make the SB in 2018 never. Nope. Don’t want to put myself in that scenario to where I’d be forced to flip shit on everyone in the room. Even though there is nothing more enjoyable/macabre than a woman’s face after calmly saying to her, “Relax”. The look of disgust combined with hate is primal.

3) Take fashion lightly. You know the expression “Look good. Feel good. Play good.” Well, I’ve never played good. And I’ve definitely never felt good. And after spending just 30 minutes with these lovely fashionable ladies, I’m convinced it’s because I’ve never truly looked good. And if those jeans from that little quaint boutique known as the “Gap” (soft a) didn’t turn on their faucets, I’m not sure what will.

And that’s that. If you want to live happily ever after, don’t be me and you’ll do just fine.

PS – I’m required to say don’t buy Under Armour’s amazing shoes that make you walk on air because they don’t directly advertise with us. So, yeah, don’t purchase their fashionable kicks in which immensely increases your odds to get laid. Not worth it.