Every once in a while a commercial comes around that seems to haunt you every where you go. No matter what channel you turn on, no matter what time of the day, BAM, you’re smacked right in the cock by the commercial. You could be watching HBO. A channel that doesn’t even have commercials and yet somehow, some way the commercial manages to follow you there. And that’s what I feel is happening with this Gatorade “All of the Lights” commercial right now.
It all started the other week during the World Juniors. Anybody who has ever watched the NHL Network knows that they have like 4 commercials they rotate through all day every day. Right now it’s this, some sort of addiction commercial, Flex Seal and then another commercial about how many guys in the NHL played college hockey. So if you’re like me and keep NHL Network on the TV all day for white noise, then you’ve heard this Gatorade commercial at least 73 times a day for the past 14 days or so.
And then last night during the College Football National Championship, I seriously contemplated ending it all. I legitimately considered filling a pool with Glacier Freeze, tying bricks around my feet and jumping in. Because that’s the only way I’ll ever be able to escape this commercial and even then I may not be that lucky. I feel like my funeral will get thrown to commercial break right before the eulogy and then next thing you know it’s, “turn up the lights in here, baby”. It’s maddening. I feel like a lunatic right now. I feel like a goddamn deranged mad man. And it’s all this commercial’s fault. These sons of bitches singing Kanye with their mouths full of a power bar. CHEW YOUR GODDAMN FOOD AND THEN SING, you idiots. Or wait until you’re little karaoke session is over before digging into the protein bar. Because I can assure you that no protein bar in the world is so fucking good that you can’t just wait the 37 seconds to take another bite.
The only reason I’m writing this blog right now is in the hopes that there are others out there like me. In the hopes that I’m not the only one who is losing their mind over this. Maybe we can form some sort of support group. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’ll never buy another Gatorade product ever again so great work on that advertising, ya dildos.
P.S. – Not gonna be able to listen to “Gimme Shelter” again until Memorial Day at the earliest. Thanks, ESPN.