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#14) Penguin Husband Comes Home To Find His Wife Fucking Another Penguin And Then A BRAWL Breaks Out

Ohhhhhh now all that “Penguins are one of the few animals who mate for life it’s so romantic” shit doesn’t sound so romantic does it? Because you know what comes with monogamy? Cheating. Cheating comes with it in spades. When you’re monogamous you can come home from the factory one day and find some other guy with your wife in that hole that YOU dug, with your kids calling HIM dad, and when you get mad about it he’s gonna pop out of that hole and run your show. That’s what monogamy will get you. Penguins aren’t all Happy Feet and Marching, they’re trifling hoes who will beat the fuck out of their love rivals with baseball bat arms.

Guess this whole thing goes to show you though, don’t ever make anyone choose. Don’t ever offer an ultimatum. Because guess what? It ain’t gonna be you, my friend. No one who’s ever cried out “IT’S EITHER ME OR HIM!” heard “It’s you, it’s always been you!” come calling back. If there’s someone else in the picture it’s because you’ve been fucking up and you’re a little pussy who can’t give good dick or protect the house. She needs a real man in her life because the streets ain’t safe in Antarctica. If he just didn’t offer that ultimatum this guy could have gotten away with joint custody and seen his kids on the weekend but he had to stand outside that house like Cusack and beg to get taken in, but life isn’t a RomCom. Instead of a happy ending life makes you trip over a branch after you got your ass kicked by your wife’s new man because life is a motherfucking bitch.

And what the FUCK was with that commentator at the end there? “But she’s got no time for losers.” Hey man, you can go right to hell. This poor penguin just lost his wife, his kids, his groundholehouse, he got his ass kicked, and his wife told him that her new man has that good dick while he screamed her name. He just lived an entire country song in the exact duration of a country song, three minutes. You think he needs some asshole human calling him names? Have a heart, dude. For god’s sake have a heart.