“When somebody takes a bad picture of you, the best thing to do is call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them and the story controls you”
- Michael Scott
- Dave Portnoy
So my friend Kmarko dug this picture up today and then sent it to the Gchat gang like the little girl he is. Next thing you know it was headline news. It was plastered all over social media. Since I’m a man of integrity and honor I will be the first one to say I don’t look good here. This is a bad picture of me. I’m fat as fuck. Pigeon toed. No chin. Jeans are way too long. Everything is disgusting. Truth be told I didn’t even know it was me when I saw it.
Truthfully I’m not that surprised. This is what happens when you build a blog empire brick by brick. When you don’t leave your computer for months at a time. When you haven’t seen sunlight for years. When you have 4 Dunkin Donut coffees and a Panera ceaser salad and bread for lunch everyday. And I’m not talking about the free bread that comes with the ceaser salad either. I ordered a large baguette every single day with the free bread and ate it all. I needed every ounce of energy just to sustain myself and keep blogging.
But guess what? I now have Gross Dave to thank for becoming a Bradley Cooper doppleganger and a millionaire. Without Gross Dave’s sacrifice I never become the manchild I am today. And it’s not only Mogul Dave who should be thankful either. It’s the 50 motherfuckers working at Barstool now who would be nowhere without Gross Dave building the foundation. Instead they publicly mock their leader. I don’t care. I love it. I eat it up. The more ugly pictures of me they find the better. I’m reverse aging like a god damn fine wine. I’m getting richer and better looking by the second. At the rate I’m going I’m going to a god damn supermodel by the time Barstool gets sold again. #GoPresGoIndeed!