If You Need To Know How To Get Out Of Your "I Can't Believe I Sent That" Weekend Texts, Come Let Uncle John Tell You A Little Trick

Ever been drunk? Too drunk, in fact? Of course not, you’d never be irresponsible like that. However, a guy or two you know might have such a life story. Not you, but a friend, you know the one, he probably gets too many beers in his system and says things too polite to ladies that he wishes he never said.

Well, I’ve met that young boy. I’ve met him every day in the bathroom mirror. I hate him as much as you do, but we’ve all gotta find a way to deal with him and guess what? I might know the best way.

It’s by going cross-eyed.

Cross-eyed like a mothufuckin ughhhh.

What does that even mean? Glad you asked. It means that when you wake up and you know you’ve sent some shit texts, and we all know you get that pit in your stomach that lets you know you sent them, that one that says, ” Whooooo boy! I sent some motherfuckers last night. I might’ve been dumb enough to send some limp dicks.” Well when that happens, you need to immediately go to your texts and then cross your eyes. Once those are crossed then you can’t make out shit. Can’t see your words, can’t see the names, all you can comprehend are the facts that there are boxes filled with texts and if you swipe left then a part of those boxes go red. Hit that red part and they’re gone forever. It’s the most brilliants thing you’ll ever see. Hit every box, swipe them all left, and then tap that red part. You can’t see who it was, you can’t see what you said, it’s just a blurry memory that’s now gone forever.

Everyone knows that if you can’t remember it then it didn’t happen. Well if you can’t see, or locate, the memory then that never happened EVER. The eye-cross eliminates it from the entire history of your life. When people say, “Do you know what you said last night?” you can say no and you can be 10000% telling the truth. That’s called plausible deniability, ask the president about it, and you’re welcome. As long as you have it then you never did shit wrong. Welcome to a guilt-free, sexting life. Cross those motherfucking eyes and smash that red box and be absolved of every sin.

In Him,

+John Feitelberg

(yeah I went to Catholic school, nbd, so that sign-off def counts)