Barstool’s Weekend Soccer Preview – The “Chelsea’s Immovable Object vs Tottenham’s Stoppable Force” Edition
Sam’s Safe Space For Soccer Stoolies
Hi haters,
Things I am thankful for this year:
– NBC having rights to the EPL through 2021-2022
– Sir Harry Kane and Lord Hugo Lloris
– Liverpool fans, whose admirable but blind love for their club is matched only by the thinness of their skin
– Beer
– The teeny bopping mouthbreathers-of-tomorrow who click on soccer blogs in order to advertise their inexhaustible supply of mental midgetry by angrily commenting about how much they hate soccer blogs
– The Chicago Fire finally demonstrating some testicular fortitude and – according to my proprietary SAUCES close to the situation – have some contract moneys around in order to make room to sign Bastian Schweinsteiger in January.
– Hillary Clinton, who reminds us that spending your life watching sports and going to bars with friends always ends better than than single-mindedly dedicating your life to being a so-called “productive” member of society
– Christian Pulisic
– The Chicago Bears, because even when the Packers suck it’s nice knowing things could always be worse
– You, loyal reader, without whose support this might be possible – but what would be the point?
Now on to the weekend ahead…
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ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Reminder of what happened last weekend:
News, notes, observations and highlights:
– Credit where credit is due. Chelsea and Liverpool played chess when they sucked fat ones all last season and we were all playing checkers by laughing at them because the joke is now on us since not playing in this season’s Champions and/or Europa League has left both clubs bright-eyed and bushy tailed for domestic games – and it shows (lackluster performance for Klopp & Co. last weekend aside).
– UCLeicester is a girl on Saturday night. EPLeicester is a girl on Sunday morning.
– BBBB’s Team USA came up with a big point but Everton’s midseason swoon continues.
– West Brom winning 4-0 and Sunderland winning 3-0 in the same week. What a time to be alive.
– The last few minutes of Spurs vs West Ham was a true emotional rollercoaster.
After 12 games here is how things look:
And the games coming up this weekend:
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PICKS OF THE WEEK
Chelsea [-135]
Tottenham [+375]
Draw [+270]
Quick look at Chelsea’s last six league games:
Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes. On the plus side for Spurs, Pochettino essentially gave up on this season’s Champions League by resting Jan Vertonghen and Kyle Walker at Monaco on Tuesday so much of the team will be about as well rested. That wasa helluva bold move and will be second-guessed ad nauseum regardless of how the club performs on Saturday, but a loss would make it all the more painful (which, as any true Spurs fans known, makes it all but inevitable).
Defense will be the name of the game in this one as Spurs (1st) and Chelsea (2nd) have conceded the fewest goals. In fact, Bayern Munich is the only club in the four major leagues that has conceded fewer goals than Spurs (7 vs 8), and that was notably in one fewer games (11 vs 12).
So anybody expecting a “shootout” in this one is going to be sorely disappointed. The big difference between the teams is on offence, where Chelsea has been doing just fine and Spurs have shat the bed – albeit that was without Harry Kane for a couple months. Either team winning 1-0 should surprise approximately nobody, and 1-1 draw would be my second pick, but as much as I’d like to go against my crystal ball on this one I just cant… Chelsea to win 2-1.
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United [-225]
West Ham [+600]
Draw [+350]
Interesting odds on this game. Bookies are apparently convinced that United’s midfield dumbfuckery is a thing of the past and the club is ready to spread its wings and fly. I’m not so sure. The 4-0 win over Feyenoord in Europa was swell and all, but despite managing a recent draw against Arsenal and win over woeful Swansea, United have yet to convince me that everything is sorted out. The one thing I do like though is that Jozay has finally decided to take Henrikh Mkhitaryan out of the box and let him play. Once he and Pogba (with Herrera acting as their tireless defensive hound dog) get on the same page this team will be a lot scarier. Right now, not to much.
West Ham will be without Winston Reid after the CB picked up a ridiculously stupid red card in the dying moments of the lost to Spurs, which is a big loss for the Hammers. I’ve also seen a lot of people saying that Andre Ayew is not likely to start, which I don’t quite understand as he is one of the few difference makers on the team (assuming he’s all the way back from injury).
If for some reason Jozay out-thinks himself (aka pulls “a Klinsmann”) and decides not start Mkhitaryan then I could see this ending in a draw. I have to assume The (Kinda) Special One is too smart for that though, so I’ll say United to win 2-1.
#FreeMkhy
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Other picks (I’m bound to get one right one of these weeks…):
• Is this the week that UCLeicester accidentally shows up instead of EPLeicester [-115]? Nah, the Foxes’ soft underbelly is precisely what the doctor ordered for offensively challenged Middlesbrough [+325]. Boro to win 3-2.
• Burnley [+850] thoroughly shit the bed last weekend against Tony Pulis’ Vanillasexuals but something tells me they just might sneak up on City -350], which will come in anything but fresh after their midweek trip to Germany. Pulling out a win might be asking a little too much, but a 1-1 draw [+500] doesn’t seem too terribly inconceivable.
• If we’re being honest, United Swansea of America [+150] has an uphill battle ahead if Big Cat’s boys are gonna stick around the top flight next season and a home game against Crystal Palace [+180] is easily the most winnable game. Neither team has been able to stop anybody else from scoring, so both teams to score seems all but a lock, but in the end this does smell like the game when Big Bad Bald Bob pops that all-important cherry… Swansea to win 3-1.
• Look at Sunderland [+1100] out here looking a little like areal bonafide soccer team! Good for you boys. Unfortunately the Scousers [-600] on the road is about 50 steps up from Hull City on the road (who the Black Cats beat up on last weekend). Liverpool to win 4-1.
• Southampton [+110] hosting Everton [+265] on Sunday is sneaky one of the most interesting games of the weekend. Neither team is in good form but both have the talent to contend for a spot in Europe, and games like this will go a long way towards determining which of the two is in the mix come March and which is locked into a mid-table finish and is thus already more concerned with booking summer golf trips and fishing excursions. A draw makes a lot of sense given the similarities between the teams and the good chances that either both or neither will show up, but I’m willing to bet that Southampton’s midweek trip to the Czech Republic may end up being the tiebreaker. Everton to win 2-0.
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REST OF THE WORLD
Germany: Bayern hosting Leverkusen on Saturday (11:30am CT on FS2).
Italy: Not a lot of good options in Serie A this weekend so let’s go with Juventus welcoming Genoa on Sunday (8am CT on beIN Sports).
Spain: Easy choice in La Liga where 5th place Real Sociedad face 2nd place Barcelona on Sunday (1:45pm CT on beIN Sports).
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So there you have it. League Cup is back next week (hooray!), meaning a nice little break for clubs smart enough to already get eliminated from the competition.
In case you have a couple minutes to kill and derive enjoyment from watching the biscuit enter various baskets, don’t say I never did nothing for you…
Holler,
Samuel Army