Listen. I like Mila Kunis a lot. She’s hot. She’s funny. She comes back to Iowa with Ashton during the holidays to visit his parents. She seems really awesome. She even said her favorite gas station snack is breakfast pizza from Casey’s
That basically gets you a lifetime pass in the state of Iowa. Casey’s breakfast pizza is life and it’s absolutely the #1 thing I’m gonna miss when I move. Mila checks every box for a cool wife but this business about not letting Ashton name his son Hawkeye really grinds my gears. It doesn’t just grind my gears as an Iowa fan (although it does that, too). It grinds my gears because Hawkeye is a sneaky super awesome name. Hakweye fucks. Hawkeye scores the game-winning touchdown in the state championship. Hawkeye steals your girlfriend and never gives her back. Hawkeyes closes deals. Hawkeye eats uncooked red meat with his bare hands. Hawkeye doesn’t put a case on his cell phone. The name perfectly straddles the line between weird celebrity kid name and awesome normal people name. What are they gonna name their son instead? Steve? Or Brian? Or Glenn? Those names stink and will result in a normal life. The name Hawkeye would bring about a life of adventure. Do the right thing, Mila.