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How About This Bostonian Bitchtits Coley Staking Claim As The Best Mario Kart Player In The Office? A Bet Has Been Made (And My Family May Disown Me)

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Have you no honor, Corey??? THIS is what happens when you start running your mouth about being the best at Mario Kart around these parts. You literally get scarred for life.

This is my realm, Coley. I may have lost (aka been virtually bounded, gagged, and gang-banged) to a bunch of Beantown boys before, but overall I still claim to be the best Mario Kart 64 player on Earth. Hell, even Ruth, Rocky, and the almighty Brady aren’t undefeated in their lifetime.

We were playing in the office a few weeks back and, I’ll admit, this kid can drift. We played like 6 races with 4 people and Corey came out on top. No biggie. The sample size was way too small to deduct any sort King Of Royal Raceway that may declare Prima Nocta on the office at will. But then everyone started running their mouths that Coley is now the new Lord of the manor, and that can’t happen.

This must be settled like men. Not only men, but men of honor. The stakes are borderline deadly. We are playing a Grand Prix of each course and run through all 4 battle stages. If (When) I come out on top, Coley will get a Mario Kart tattoo of my choice. If for some reason he cheats/wins, I will legally have to change my middle name of Patrick (after my father) to whatever moniker he sees fit. I can’t just go around and claim I’m the best Mario Kart player in the world again and again without raising the stakes. One strike: Tattoo. Two strikes: Legally changing your birth name. Swing and a miss for strike three? At least a pinky toe will need to be sacrificed to the Kart Gods. But hopefully we will never get that far. And, yes, Pops is just learning about this bet by reading this right now. And, no, he will not be happy about the decisions I am making in life.

We play for keeps here at the Barstool offices. This will take place at High Noon on Monday, Halloween, on Facebook Live. We will be in costume as our characters (DK vs. Wario) and racing to the death. Let’s dance with the devil by the pale moon light and hope my father will speak to me again. Win or lose, Nate is still Toadstool in real life. And asexual.

PS – Coley wore the same exact sweatshirt and sweatpants to work 2 days in a row this week. You don’t fuck with someone who pulls that move. Those are the types of guys who have nothing to lose. Those are also the kind of Rain Men of video games who care so little about their appearance/life they can get stoned and master the N64 for days, if not decades.