(Source) — A virgin bride allegedly battered her husband on their honeymoon after seeing his penis for the first time. Mnombo Madyibi, 32, ended up with a bandaged head after getting intimate with his wife on their honeymoon having decided to abstain until they were wed. The unnamed wife described her husband’s penis as a ‘hairy, scary cucumber’ and he reportedly goes by the nickname of ‘Anaconda’ after his football teammates saw his manhood in the changing rooms. ‘All was well and she enjoyed the foreplay,’ Madyibi told the Daily Star. ‘But all hell broke loose the moment I took off my underwear.’ As the heavy petting continued, he said his wife reacted in horror, bit his ear and squeezed his private parts. ‘Before I knew it,’ he added, ‘she knocked me over with a bottle of wine before attempting to suffocate me with a red and white teddy bear I’d bought her as a gift.’ The screams woke up other guests at their bed an breakfast in Coffee Bay, South Africa, and the pair ended up taking different buses home. ‘I think she’s angry because I could only afford a cheaper honeymoon instead of the one she wished for in Zanzibar,’ Madyibi said.
First thing’s first: I’m assuming this marriage is on the up and up. As in, this chick isn’t a child bride. Yes, describing a penis as a “hairy, scary cucumber” is a bit worrisome, but kids don’t really know about cucumbers. No kid is gonna cite a cucumber as the first phallic object they can think of. Plus, there are church groups, police, and marriage counselors involved in this and if that many adults are privy to a situation then I have to think one of them might step in and say, “You know what, maybe this 13 year old isn’t ready for wedlock, Anaconda.” I’m a hopeful guy like that. This chick is an adult.
Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, that last sentence is so incredibly important. Classic, classic angry girlfriend situation. Which one of us haven’t been in the doghouse because of a bad date or honeymoon then next thing you know she’s fucking you up and blaming the fight on a totally different problem like you’re huge dick? Tale as old as time. Girlfriend gets mad because you didn’t take her where she wanted to go even though she kept saying, “I don’t care, you choose,” and before you know it you’re taking a bottle of cab to the temple because she saw that girthy dick and just snapped? Been there.
But at the end of the day, the blame of this falls squarely on the wife. Fuck did you think all his football friends called him Anaconda for, lady? You didn’t think that, perhaps, you should be prepared for a big ol’ snake in those drawers? Just maybe? That’s on your for settling down before scouting.
