This news just shook me all the way down to my very core. And anyone who has seen me in real life or in a video know that it takes a lot of work to make it to my core. But this announcement did it. The Oreo cookie is the closest thing we have to a timeless American treasure in the cookie game. Others have come and gone. But the Oreo has worn the crown for so long, nobody under the age of 30 even knows the name Hydrox. Sure I worried when weak ass ideas like Oreo Thins came out. But those fears were always quelled whenever I saw a pack of Mega Stufs in the store.
Which makes today’s announcement so surprising. Oreo is still at the top of its game after all these years. It shouldn’t be spreading its cookie wafers to let just any creme inside. Sure there are a ton of different types of Oreos in the grocery store now. I thought Oreo was just going through an experimental phase with all those flavors. And yes, the Swedish Fish Oreos announced a few months ago was a HUGE red flag. But I didn’t think that much of it. Just two great brands trying to have their prized products fuck and make a mutant snack baby that would sell as a limited edition food. I don’t approve of it, yet I understand.
But this Peeps marriage is downright confusing. Peeps are the opposite of Oreos. They are the most hated candy probably in the world. Gutter trash is probably being kind in describing them. I gloated when it sounded like a strike at the factory where Peeps were made was likely going to lead to a Peeps shortage this Easter. But you apparently cannot destroy all evil in this world, since those savvy SOBs at Peeps somehow hitched their wagon to Oreos. It’s like John Lennon getting married to Yoko Ono. It makes no sense and is clearly going to be a destructive move for a legend of the industry. But after seeing the Mets and Giants both rip my heart out this week, I should have known a snack announcement like this was coming. Rough days in the Casa de Clem. Rough days.
P.S. It kills me that Rovell gets tagged in tweets like this or gets scoops before anyone else. I need to #riseandgrind or do whatever it takes to become the Rapaport, Schefter, AND Glazer of the snack game. Because if Rovell and I both get junk food scoops at the same time, people are naturally going to gravitate toward someone who is enormous and clearly has more experience with snacks. Trusting a skinny guy for your snack news is like letting a bald barber cut your hair.