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This 4'11 Girl Seems Okay But Has An OUTRAGEOUS Set Of Criteria For Her Tinder Matches

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D2-MAYBELEADa411chickdemandingaguy6feetandaboveisthemostoutlandishthingever

So I know a lot of guys will read this and be like “Fuck this girl she sucks, who does she think she is to be so demanding,” all expected and deserved. But the people I really feel badly for are the 5’10 girls out there who’ll lose who knows how many 6’+ dudes to this chick because she’s blonde and spritely. These poor gangly chicks deserve a man who’ll make them look like reasonably sized human being instead of the Monstars in Space Jam and they’re losing god knows how many dudes to all these short chicks who want a tall guy to look cuter in couple photos. Very selfish. The good news is so few of these men will ever hit all of her criteria so she’ll probably die alone with cobwebs in her vagina and an Oompa Loompa song in her heart. (via D)

And here we are, new Barstool app, same Barstool Tinder roundup. Hopefully it doesn’t crash because I’m doing it in a different way than our tech overlords would prefer so I can still separate the regular ones from the hot/NSFW ones but looks like we’ll test this app together! Please do follow me on Twitter and DM in your screenshots, thanks to the folks who sent things in, and let’s get after it:

AC-arebleachedassholesacommonbeautytreatmentformen18-21doweneedaninterventionguys

Are bleached assholes a common beauty treatment for men 18-21? Do I need to have an intervention for our younger Stoolies? (via AC)

TJ-linkingtoalongformarticleonasseatingisacleverwaytoshowwhosreallyaboutitandwhosnot

Linking to a longform article on ass eating is a clever way to differentiate the real ass eating lovers from the ones playing make believe on the apps (via TJ)

PP-STIFLERSMOMGIF

Tangentially related but you know who’s way less hotter after years of MILFs stepping their game up 10 times over? Stifler’s mom:

Screen Shot 2016-10-07 at 2.01.10 PM

Like she’s alright but the Helen of Troy of the MILF movement? Not these days

(via PP)

ND-ahot20yearoldMILFislikeaMILFstarterkitjustdontbeonTinderpregnantisalliask

Conversely a hot 20-year-old MILF is like a MILF starter kit. Just don’t be pregnant when you’re swiping, that’s all I ask (via ND)

ST-idontknowwhybuttheideathatdudesoutthereareprobablytryingtousethischickforfreewingscracksmeup

The idea that dudes out there are probably trying to use this chick for free wings enough that she actually had to put in her bio cracks me up (via ST)

MH-classicthingtohappentoaladywhospellsKhristenlikethat

Classic thing to happen to a lady who spells Khristen like that (via MH)

2ea03eb14a97467eb4e251195cc242ae

How ironic that word choice is even more crucial when the person is seemingly illiterate (via RD)

SM-honestlyifiwereablackguyidstayawayfromherandhertrucksjusttobesafe

Honestly if I were a black guy I’d stay away from her and the dudes with big trucks she’s so fond of anyway to be safe given the casual racism at the end there (via SM)

GH-ahnothinglikeagoodoldfashionedweirdowhofreaksmeout

Ah nothing like a good old fashioned Tinder weirdo who freaks me out and makes me hold a crucifix up to the screen just in case (via GH)

MK-iwouldstareata22yearoldssideboobforanuncomfortableamountoftimeprayingforanipslipthatswhatiddoforaklondikebar

For a Klondike bar I would stare at a 22-year-old’s sideboob for an uncomfortable amount of time while praying for a nip slip. What now? (via MK)

JB-whatstheratioofSatanwrittenonyourheadtotitsizethatitdtaketogetarightswipehere

What’s the ratio of the tit size to font size of “Satan” written on her forehead before you’d swipe right? Has to be like 4:1 (via JB)

R-ialwaysenvisiontheCurbthemeplayingwhenicumtoofastsoiimaginethatswhatshemeansbyLarryDavidInTheSheets

I always envision the Curb Your Enthusiasm music playing when I cum too fast but I don’t think that’s what she means by Larry David in the sheets (via R)

BM-workingatTinderbutbeingonBumbleisalowcharactermoveimotheteamtheteamtheteam

Working at Tinder but being on Bumble is a low character move imo, the team the team the team (via BM)

MW-imtoldthisisnebraskabumbleandthisismoreinlinewithwhatiexpectfromthere

I’m told this is Nebraska Bumble and this is more in line with what I expect from there than that gorgeous chick with bombs from last week (via MW)

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K3-thereareamillionthingsiwanttotellrobtofixhisprofilebutimostlythinkthehumanethingtodoistakehimoutbacklikeoldyeller

There are a million things I want to tell Rob to fix his profile but mostly I think the humane thing to do is to delete his profile and take him out back like Old Yeller (via K)

LL-thisweeksreminderyouddefinitelyhookupwithanAussietransgirlifyouforgottoclickdownunder

This week’s reminder you’d definitely hook up with an Aussie trans girl if you forgot to check down under (via LL)

SN-thatsthekindofwomaniwantteachingourkidstbh

That’s the kind of self-actualized woman I want teaching our kids tbh (via SN)

S-noideawhatthischicklookslikebutistheresuchathinghasPossibleNaziSexy

No idea what this chick looks like but is there such a thing as Possible Nazi Sexy? Probably not if your name ends in berg or stein but for the rest of us I mean (via S)

WB-yourcompetitionfortheweekgoingtocommunitycollegebutcallinghimselfasapiosexualmeanshesamanofdiverseinterests

Your competition for the week going to community college but calling himself a sapiosexual means he’s clearly a man of diverse interests/does not understand irony (via WB)

JM1

Jm2

JM3-hilariousamountofeffortforthetrashiestoneofthesepowerpointbiosiveeverseen

This is a hilarious amount of effort (there are two more slides that I omitted because you get the idea) for what might be the trashiest Tinder bio ever. Can’t say I don’t respect that commitment to grossness (via JM)

And onto the hot and NSFWish ones…

JB-HOTNSFWicantsaythisisfromexperiencebutifeellikeifyouseeachickwithagiantsnaketattooedonherlegyoumightwantorunjusttobesafew

I can’t say this is from experience but I feel like if you see a chick with a giant snake tattooed on her leg you might want to run (via JB)

Nb-HOTNSFWalliwaswaitingforherewasaNoHookupsattheend

All I was waiting for here was a #NoHookups at the end to complete the look (via Nb)

Y-HOTNSFWughalltheseethroughnipplesalltheappseveniftheylooklikeJohnlennonthatsTheSpagsPromise

Ugh. All the see through nipples on all the apps will be in this blog, even if they look like John Lennon. That’s #TheSpagsPromise (via Y)

L-HOTNSFWnursetittiesspagpromiseisaMUCHbetterSpagsPromise

A nurse titties-based #SpagsPromise is a MUCH better #SpagsPromise (via L)

DB-HOTNSFWshecanmakethisjokebecauseshehasthestickfigurewithtitslooklikethatisnearanddeartomyheart

She can make this joke because she has the stick figure with tits look that is the most near and dear to my heart (via DB)

R-HOTNSFWracistcommenterswouldbeveryconfusedbythismodelagencyname

Racist commenters will be very confused by this model agency name (via R)

JB-HOTNSFWirlKhaleesisdragonsaremuchlessimpressive

IRL Khaleesi’s dragons are much less impressive (via JB)

A-HOTNSFW

(via A)

CB

(via CB)

JG-areonepiecebuttsabuttimproverordoesitnothelpireallycanttell

Are one piece butts a butt improver or does it not help? I really can’t tell (via JG)

LM1-HOTNSFW

LM2-HOTNSFWveryvaluablesocialmediafollowoftheweek

Here’s your Very Valuable Social Media Follow of the week, personally creeped on by me to verify *thumbs up (via LM)

RC-HOTNSFWthatgoldmanfarawaybuttshotisthemostvaluablefarawaybuttshot

That Goldman far away butt shot is a valuable far away butt shot in more ways than one (via RC)

TG-HOTNSFWElevenfromStrangerThingsgrewupfastandshitgotWEIRD

Eleven from Stranger Things grew up fast after the first season and shit got WEIRD

also ruff ruff buy a hoodie

(via TG)

MK-HOTNSFWiactuallyfinddavespizzareviewsamusingbutiwouldwatchthisgirlsOneBiteoverhis10timesoutof10

Surprisingly enough I find Dave’s pizza reviews amusing but I would watch this girl’s One Bite over his 100 times out of 100 (via MK)

And there you have it, another week of the Tinder roundup in the books. Make sure to follow me on Twitter and send in your submissions, thanks to the folks who sent things in, and happy swiping!