If you stopped that headline after the semi-colon and asked me to finish the sentence I would have NEVER gotten it. Never. In thousands of years I’d be older than the dude who guards the Holy Grail, just sitting here spouting words and phrases hoping to eventually nail “loses a testicle.” Stunning, stunning sentence right there.
But guess what? I don’t feel bad at all. Not even a little bit. Fuck dudes like this. There’s not a thing more annoying than the guy who thinks he’s Marijuana MacGyver. “Oh we don’t have papers? OK get me a gallon of milk, a paper clip, some painting tape — BLUE, flint, and a bird’s next.” Get the FUCK out of here dude, I’ll just go to the store and buy some. People who need whacky fucking devices are the worst. Look man, I’m trying to chill out. That’s the entire point of this process. I don’t need you to invent some mask apparatus for me to smoke weed, just let me do it like a normal goddamn person. Joints and blunts are undefeated not chopping your nuts off and still getting you high.
PS – Same goes for the dude who brags about how he can open a beer bottle. Annoying as goddamn shit.
“Hey man, you got a bottle opener?”
“Nah but I can bite it off or pop it off with my eye socket or between my bicep or by shoving it up my fucking ass.”
Relax, dude. I just want a beer, not to watch you do feats of strength like we’re at a Celtic festival.
PPS – I love the update. “Sorry, we said he was unemployed. He actually works part-time at a pizza place.”
Come on, guys. If that ever happens to me just leave me unemployed. Don’t need insult added to nut-losing injury.