Michael Rapaport Found 2 Dead Cats Outside His House In His Fountain He Handled It All Very Calmly

Hey Mike I think you might need to get your affairs in order, huh? I dunno whats going down at Chateau De Rapaport but when multiple dead cats end up in your fountain you got some major issues on your hands. Theres only a handful of ways dead cats end up in your fountain:

1) Your house is haunted – Easily the number 1 option and most plausible. Cats are Lucifer’s animal. 2 dead cats in your front yard is a clear sign your house is under some sort of demonic possession. Good luck with that, Mike.

2) You’ve got a neighborhood cat murderer – Real friendly neighborhood you’re in, Rapaport. Got some pranksters running around murdering cats and leaving them on your front step. Some people do Ring and Run. Some people light a bag of shit on fire on your front step. But there’s a couple rascals on the block that hated The War At Home SO MUCH they are leave dead cat carcasses on your front step.

And then theres a third option. My personal favorite.

3) Rapaport is the Cat Killer and he doesnt even know it – Like some Mr. Robot shit. Some Tyler Durden scenario. Mike drowned those cats in his fountain and it doesnt even register with him. Like an alter ego or split personality. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit. Mike hears Derrick Rose call the Knicks a Super Team and in a fit of rage he’s killing the neighbors cats and shit. His neighbors are probably laying in their beds filming themselves saying “Yo For real, Rapaport murdered our cats again! I need a real man or a real wo-man to come and take care of this because he keeps killing my cats.”

Time to vote. 1, 2, or 3:

PS – Dead cats in your fountain outside your mansion is such champagne problems. I need Mike to stop crying like a little girl.