USA vs Canada World Cup Pre-Tournament Game Naturally Turned Into A Bloodbath

“Hey Jordie. Nobody gives a shit about the World Cup of Hockey. If the players don’t actually care, why should we care?” – idiots up until last night happened.

If anybody thought the World Cup of Hockey was going to be some friendly tournament that NHL players treated as a preseason kumbaya summer camp, well you were dead wrong. Larry I the gambling goldfish wrong. Because what we saw last night out of USA vs Canada is exactly why hockey is the greatest sport in the world. It doesn’t matter if it was a meaningless game in a tournament that–let’s be honest–is rather insignificant. As soon as hockey players throw on a jersey to represent their nation, they’re going to go wild. It’s just how their brain, body, heart and DNA are wired. So instead of using this pre-tournament game as a chance to shake off some rust and just tune up for the actual tournament to start next week, they used it to set the tone as early as possible. We saw the scrap along the bench started by none other than that cunt Sidney Crosby. John Tavares was almost an innocent casualty on the bench because of it. And then the boys decided to get extra chippy along the boards all night.

Kesler decided that he was going to attempted murder Shea Weber for driving PK Subban out of Montreal

TJ Oshie must be a #GoPresGo guy because he thought it would be a good idea to fuck up Logan Couture

By the way, TJ Oshie looks horrible in a CCM helmet. As a Flyers fan, I hope this carries through into the season.

Former Blues captain David Backes steamrolls new Blues captain Alex Pietrangelo. All is fair in love and hockey.

Joe Pavelski got himself a primetime spot on my hit list after injuring Claude Giroux.

My updated hit list now goes

3) people who don’t set their thermostat to 69 degrees

2) Joe Pavelski

1) the entire city of Pittsburgh

Not exactly anything too physical here but this play was still a circus act regardless.

And it was plays like that which secured a 4-2 win for Team USA despite getting outshot by the Canadians roughly a hundred to 15. We’ve all known for the past year now that Canada sucks at ice hockey, but boy is it getting a little embarrassing at this point.

If last night’s game was any indication, the rest of the tournament will have a nice little 1996 feel to it. Make Hockey Violent Again.

P.S. – I’m Glad John Tortorella didn’t have to murder anybody last night. Or at least not in America’s honor.


Colin Kaepernick could really learn a thing or two about being a patriot from hockey players.

P.P.S. – How about that little minx Linda Cohn?


Knows that she’ll be in the studio with Brett Hull and Chelios so she throws on the choker. Love that move. 10/10 would.