No One Feels As Bad As Cam Newton This Morning

Ever had a hangover so bad that you couldn’t move? Couldn’t blink without wanting to puke and no memory of the night before? Guess what, Cam Newton feels a billion times worse today. Scientifically grown freaks launching their heads at your head feels worse than any “one too many” anyone has ever had.

Let me just say this, if Tom Brady took this kind of brain beating last night I’d already be in jail again. Correction: I may not be in jail because I may have refused to be removed from NFL Headquarters so strongly that they’d have to kill me and drag my limp body out. That shit was BRUTAL and since I’m such an unbiased man, I’m going to speak out for Cam Newton too.

That shit was BAD. Real bad. Badder than bad, in fact. If Dr. Bennett Omalu isn’t leaving a series of unanswered voicemails that make Roger Goodell shake his head and say, “Concussions? CTE? What is this quack talking about?” then he’s the puppy who lost his way. The fact that the NFL allowed Cam Newton’s skull to take a bashing that makes Whack-A-Mole look tame, yet will still preach “player safety,” every time a mic is placed in front of there mouth is flat-out preposterous. Don’t give me the, “The Patriots have a fourth Super Bowl because Julian Edelman was allowed to skate on concussion protocol” argument, I’m not here to talk about the past. Not anything earlier than last night, at least. Plus, the medical spotter in the press box didn’t exist when Edelman heroically sacrificed his memory of grandchildren for a Super Bowl. That NFL employee whose job it is to protect the players came to be after that Super Bowl.

But last night that dude sat in the corner with a thumb up his ass and did squat to protect Cam Newton from further injury. His head was treated like your little sister’s American Girl doll’s after your sister tells on you. It was beaten, bashed, and a very real, very futile attempt was made to rip it off. For god’s sake the man was flossing on the bench! FLOSSING! Do you know how out of it you have to be in order to fucking floss in your bathroom mirror, let alone on an NFL bench? It’s insanity! It wouldn’t shock me to hear that Cam was telling the offensive coordinator that the snozzberries taste like snozzberries in between plays. But that’s the NFL for you, they’re the biggest scumbag liars in the world. They’ll tell you that the Ideal Gas Law isn’t real and they’ll tell you that they care about player safety while pushing for a longer season and paying “medical spotters” to let star players get their minds erased in primetime.