Smug Ass Washington Post Says The Scientific Cure For Hangovers Is "Drinking Less"
Dear Science: How do I prevent my horrible hangovers? Isn’t there any way to make it stop?
Here’s what science has to say:
Oh, boy. Do we have a cure for you! There is a fool-proof, sure-fire, scientifically proven 100 percent effective way of stopping a hangover from happening, and it can be yours free:
Don’t drink.
If you’re going to drink — and it’s cool if you do! We’re all adults here — do so slowly and in moderation.
There’s not much you can do aside from drink water, take a pain reliever (but not acetaminophen, because your poor liver needs a break) and ride it out. Your body will thank you. And then quietly ask if next time, possibly, you’ll consider drinking a little less.
…
Pretty sweet article from the Washington Post, very informative for everyone who clicked on the story with a headline “How do I make hangovers go away?” The answer? 12 paragraphs about just how exactly your drunk ass is destroying your body from the inside out, with two cures: don’t drink, or drink less. Unreal. Should just title it How To Be A Nerd or 10 Tips On Killing Yourself Since Life Isn’t Worth Living Without Drinking Because All Your Friends Will Stop Hanging Out With You Anyway.
Seriously all this thing did was make sure you have a borderline panic attack the next time you get fucked up:
At least part of hangover stems from the way alcohol is metabolized. Enzymes in your liver break down ethanol, the ingredient that makes alcohol so intoxicating, into a compound called acetaldehyde. It’s highly toxic — the International Agency for Research on Cancer says it should be classified a carcinogen — and triggers an unpleasant inflammatory response.
A highly toxic carcinogen…cool.
The nasty effects of acetaldehyde can be exacerbated by congeners, the chemical extras that result from fermentation… mixing alcohols — thereby mixing congeners — may make that effect even worse.
Ethanol, alcohol’s active ingredient, also messes with your body in various ways. It suppresses the hormone that helps your body retain water, meaning that for every ounce of alcohol you consume, you’ll have to pee eight times that amount.
Ethanol “speeds up passage in the GI tract,” as McGeary politely put it, explaining why a night of heavy drinking may have you running to the bathroom. It also irritates the cells in your stomach lining, making you want to vomit.
So you basically dissolve your liver, inflame your insides, pee yourself, and rush to the bathroom to diarrhea and puke. Yeah Wash Po, we’ve all drank before. We know. We clicked on you to tell us how to fix it, not get a lecture from some high school health teacher. Jesus, no wonder traditional news outlets are dying, can’t even tell me how to take 15 shots at the rehearsal dinner and make it through the wedding without puking on the flower girl.
PS,
How about this little factoid?
How your body handles alcohol is largely a product of genetics. Some lucky people — roughly a quarter of the population, according to a 2008 literature review — do not get hangovers at all.
25% of the population doesn’t get hangovers?