Ahhhh…. the wedding day. Such an important piece of your life and if all goes well you’ll probably spend the next 50 years telling people that it’s the happiest day you ever experienced on earth. Why would you not want to remember it fondly by… dressing up like a fucking zombie? Everyone dreams of lifting that veil and seeing your bride with half her jaw hanging off while all your friends pretend to try and eat you. Totally, totally normal.
You can do basically whatever you want at a wedding and as long as it’s an open bar I won’t criticize it. Stupid hashtag? Fine, I’ll use it. DJ instead of a band? Stupid, but as long as the vodka is on the house I’ll still dance. Ugly dress? Custom and lame as shit vows? Married on a Friday? Whatever, I’m fine with it all as long as I don’t have to pay for my own booze. But this? This is going too far. I could not stand idly by and refrain from telling everyone within ear shot that this is the worst wedding in history.
I can’t believe DeAngelo even had the balls to ask his wife to do this nonsense. The wedding ain’t for you, dude. It’s her day. Your job is stand at the altar and say, “I do,” when prompted. That’s it. You’re certainly not supposed to ask her to dump fake blood all over that white dress she’s dreamed about since she was four years old. Have a brain, that’s going to be held over your head for the rest of your life. Any time you don’t want to do something this will be brought up. Don’t want to change the baby’s diaper? Don’t want to go to her parents house for dinner? Don’t want to go pick up a gallon of milk? Guess what, she didn’t want to look like a dead person on her wedding day but she fucking did it so you better suck it up. Haven’t even been married for thirty seconds and you already forfeited every fight you’ll be in for the rest of your life.