Let's Rank These School-Themed Hot Dogs They're Selling At The Big Ten Tournament

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So that’s a menu of hot dogs they’re serving at the Big Ten Tournament this year.  I didn’t research this in the slightest so I’m not sure if the toppings are supposed to relate to the school or what.  I just know that we’re going to rank them because I’m an American and I love hot dogs.

12. Northwestern

Purple onion marmalade, provolone cheese and creole mustard

Last place because I don’t know what 2/3 of those toppings are.  Creole mustard?  Huh?  I may not know what purple onion marmalade is but I know I don’t want it on my hot dog.  Same goes for creole mustard.  And if you’re thinking that part of the reasoning I put Northwestern last is because of the game last night then you’re 100% correct.

11.  Indiana

Coleslaw, red pepper relish and fried onion

Lost me at coleslaw.  Coleslaw is absolutely disgusting and in no way do I want it anywhere near my hot dog.  Have some respect for yourself.  If somebody bought me this hot dog I’d throw it in their face never speak to them again.

10. Michigan

Bleu cheese coleslaw, bacon and golden mustard

Again with the coleslaw.  Gross.  The only saving grace for this hot dog and why it’s ranked higher than Indiana is because of the bacon.  I’m not saying anything outlandish when I say bacon is great on anything and everything and that obviously applies to hot dogs.  Scrape off the coleslaw and it might be half way decent but I doubt it.

9. Nebraska

Tomato corn relish, provolone cheese and crispy corn chips

Pretty much the same hot dog as the next one on the list but with a worth cheese.  Sad showing for the corn huskers here.

8. Iowa

Southwest-style corn salsa, corn tortilla strips and pepper jack cheese

Pains me to put Iowa this low on the list but that’s just a bad hot dog that is just a smidge better than then Nebraska’s.  Of course the people that put this list together tried to cram as many corn products into the Iowa hot dog as possible.  Real original.   I do love pepper jack cheese though.  It’s my go-to cheese for sure.

7. Penn State

Coarse grain mustard, jalapeño relish, blue corn tortillas and sauerkraut

Finally some sauerkraut!  This list needs a lot more of it.  I’ve eaten sauerkraut plain before and I’ll do it again.  Jalapeño relish doesn’t sound half bad either.  This ranking would’ve been higher if the school allowed a lot less kid diddling.  Good not great hot dog.

6. Ohio State

Spicy mustard kraut and red pepper relish

Simple.  I like it but don’t love it.  Hard to find too many flaws.  Ranking is probably higher if Aaron Craft was never born.

5. Michigan State

Pepper jack cheese, jalapeño relish and spicy mustard

We’ve officially entered the point where I would 100% order these hot dogs and it starts with this one.  Find a flaw in those condiments and you’re just splitting hairs.  You can never go wrong with the pepper jack cheese/spicy mustard combo.

4. Purdue

Smokey black bean salsa, golden mustard and cheddar cheese

Absolutely no idea what smokey black bean salsa is but I’m intrigued by it.

3. Illinois

Cheddar cheese, dijon mustard and blue tortilla

Simplicity is key in this ranking.  Nobody likes a show off and this hot dog isn’t showing off.  Straight to the point toppings.

2. Minnesota

Chili, cheddar cheese sauce, diced onions and Fritos chips

Most talented #2 ranking out there and I almost put it at #1.  Pretty much your basic chili dog and everybody knows that chili dogs are fucking delicious.

1. Wisconsin

Cheddar cheese sauce, pepper jack, provolone, Cheetos and pepper relish

I have a new rule in life that I made up 30 seconds ago: If you put Cheetos and pepper jack cheese on a hot dog you automatically get a #1 ranking.  It’s pure genius.  Some hot dog purists out there might throw a fit about there being too much stuff.  Grow up.  Adapt or die.  Cheetos on a hot dog sounds so good I hate myself for not thinking of it first.

h/t @TheRealLeClair7