Lindsay Lohan's Dad Says She's Knocked Up
Page Six – Lindsay Lohan announced her pregnancy to her father Michael Lohan via text, and wrote, “Daddy, I’m pregnant.” Michael exclusively told “Page Six TV” on Wednesday, ““She texted it to me and told me … I don’t know [how far along she is].” The actress has been telling friends she is pregnant after a huge bust-up with her now-ex fiancé Egor Tarabasov where she accused him of partying with an alleged prostitute. A source close to Lindsay says he has broken up with her but she desperately wants him back. The source said, “She is saying she is pregnant, but it could be for attention.” Meanwhile, her father is anxious to speak to Tarabasov about an incident, caught in the early hours of Sunday by a London neighbor on video, which allegedly depicts Lindsay screaming for her life during a fight with the millionaire 22-year-old Russian. She can be heard screaming, “Please, please, please. He just strangled me. He almost killed me.” Michael told “Page Six TV” in an exclusive interview, “I want to speak to him. He hasn’t returned any calls [or] any texts … He can refute as much as he wants. I got the texts. We’ve seen the video in the press and what she said happened, happened. And it’s a serious matter.”
You know your boy KFC loves a good female celebrity meltdown. From Mariah Carey to Paris Hilton to Britney Spears to Amanda Bynes. I love them all. Back in 2014 when Bynes was in full swing we broke down the 5 Stages of Celebrity Meltdown. Lindsay Lohan was already clocking in as a Stage 5 Meltdown. Here was the full list:
Stage 1 – Mariah Carey Meltdown – Remember when Mariah Carey went on MTV Cribs and got into her bathtub while wearing a towel? Then like a day later went to a mental health facility? Thats Stage 1. Nothin crazy, just straight up bizarre behavior.
Stage 2 – Paris Hilton Meltdown – Gets a bunch of DUIs. Drug arrests. She’s as dumb as a balloon and has no idea how the non billionaire world functions. Eventually sucks dick on camera.
Stage 3 – Britney Spears Meltdown – Plagued by mega-star fame rivaled only by guys like Michael Jackson, Britney went completely off the reservation. Paparazzi in her face since she was 16. Touring for over a decade. Eventually shaves her head, walks around barefoot in gas station bathrooms, had her children taken away, and I’m pretty sure she got married and divorced like 5 times.
Stage 4 – Amanda Bynes – Shaved half her head and made suspicious appearances in public wearing bizarre costumes and wigs. Crazy weight fluctuation. Strange piercings. She started to look like a black chick for a little bit. Incoherent and aggressive behavior on Twitter starting feuds and snapping nudes. Drug use, disappearances. There was an incident of alleged arson. Countless court appearances where she was seen speaking to herself. The Bynes Meltdown was one where we watched a person actually devolve into the depths of insanity. It wasnt really just slutty party behavior. It wasnt just drug use. Amanda Bynes just had a bi polar schizophrenic break with reality.
Stage 5 – Lindsay Lohan Meltdown – From the Parent Trap to her parents literally trying to trap her and steal all her money, Lohan is the poster child for crazy. Her meltdown was not a sharp decline line that of Bynes or Spears. Her meltdown was like a volcanic eruption and she is lava is just slowly, permanently sliding downward into the depths of hell. Countless DUIs. Infinity trips to rehab. Multiple stints in prison. I think she emancipated from her parents and had restraining orders filed on her own family. She is the bottom of the barrel for Hollywood Starlet behavior.
So Lohan is already the 5th and final stage of Hollywood Meltdown, and now theres a chance that either A) shes procreating with her weird foreign ex-fiance, which is a disaster or 2) Her dad is lying about her being pregnant, which is such a shitty move she’ll go even crazier or D) she’s lying and taking her craziness to a whole new level where she’s lying about being pregnant, a staple of crazy girl behavior. The Lohan Odyssey continues. The Craziness continues to grow. Develop. EVOLVE. Nobody has ever been as good at anything as Lohan is at being crazy.
I, for one, hope she is knocked up. I hope she pops out a little Damien baby. The Spawn of Evil. Lohan might give birth to a living, breathing Xanax bar. A 6 pound, 7 ounce bar of Xanax with arms and legs. Lohan’s kid would be the human personification of a hangover. She would have to name the child Hangover Lohan. Cursed with a permanent headache and nausea. Lohan’s kid would survive on cocaine. Thats all the kid got on the womb. You’d mix up the coke with water like the baby formula like Similac and she’d drink it from the bottle. God bless Lohan’s kid. The true Anti-Christ.