After this morning’s blog about the new xXx I had adrenaline through the roof and I knew the only cure was Xander Cage racing avalanches. So I did what anyone working from home does and immediately ordered it. I ordered it ondemand. To me, pretty normal thing to do. Really, really normal in fact. You want to watch a movie? Click the xfinity button, find it, and get it.
But I forgot about the fact that I was on the internet and the internet is full of insufferable people who complain about anything. I forgot about the “torrent guys.” Yo I mean it when I say this, there’s NOTHING worse than Torrent people. I feel like every crew of friends has one. There’s the guy who has a medical need to fuck every time you go out, the fat guy, the funny guy, the guy no one really likes anymore but he’s been around so long it’s easier to just keep it going, and the guy who thinks he’s the first to discover that there are bootlegs on the internet.
Torrent guy thinks of himself as like a private hookup and every time you buy anything, it’s a personal affront to him. He always has the same reaction as your mechanic when you got your oil changed elsewhere and tries to make it seem like you definitely got ripped off by paying money for a product. “Bro you paid for music on iTunes!? You bought a movie OnDemand?! What the hell you swiped your card to buy a bagel this morning?!?” Yeah dude, I did. I did it because I’d prefer to watch this movie on my tv while I fuck around on my computer rather than watching it on my computer while I fuck around on my phone. I did it because I don’t feel like dealing with some versions not working, having subtitles, or being shitty quality. But most of all I did it because I’m an adult and it’s easier for me to just pay $3.99 than it is to waste my time looking for this “incredible deal” of free shit on the internet.
Shut the fuck up, Torrent guys. You want to watch bootleg shit? Totally fine by me, just be quiet about it like no one’s ever heard of the concept. You’re like the fucking vegans of entertainment, gotta tell everyone how great and revolutionary your insufferable concept is.
PS – Makes sense this guy also brags about not wearing condom guys. Torrent guys never concern themselves with viruses and strange things popping up out of nowhere.