(Since we’re gonna have so many tough guys like “I dont even know what this is about!” or “Who the fuck cares?” as if people dont care about behind the scenes phone convos between 2 of the biggest music superstars and the biggest TV star on earth, quick synopsis – Kanye made a song saying “I made that bitch famous” in reference to Taylor Swift and says he might have sex with her because of it. Kanye claimed from the jump he spoke to Taylor ahead of time to OK the lyrics. The song was released, there was a lot of hoopla over those lyrics, Swift denied that initial convo between her and Kanye, and gave an award acceptance speech where said something to the effect of how there will be men out there who try to take credit for your work and you need to just keep persevering. Fast forward like 6 months later and Kim K drops this kill shot with evidence of the phone call)
Top 5 best funniest storylines of this whole saga, with the most important first:
1. This shit is obviously all staged. Kim K, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift are the three most calculated people on the the planet earth. All of them have pretty much manipulated the world on their way to become the top of the top of Hollywood. All three are on that God like celeb level to most of the world. They know exactly what they are doing at all times. Nobody is naive. Nobody is getting “caught.” This is all released on Kim K’s snapchat – the next social media platform for her to conquer. Months after the incident occurred, on the same night that the latest episode of a Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s was all about the Kanye/Taylor drama – promoting her show. All setting up the final act of this saga which probably be a Kanye West/Taylor Swift collabo about squashing their beef. Probably will end up roping some charity or some shit and turning it into a “We Are The World” sort of song for black and white people so Kanye and Taylor can both say they ended racism or some shit. Meanwhile this is the beginning of Taylor’s heel turn as shes sick of being the squeaky clean square. Shes done that to death and now she can go into her bad girl phase where she doesnt have to be a robot every time she opens her mouth. While the entire internet talks about all three of them more than ever. Everyone wins here. All of them are bulletproof so the phrase “no such thing as bad publicity” applies to all of them to the max. If you think Taylor Swift is dumb enough to get caught saying all that shit to the two most filmed/recorded humans on earth, and if you think the Kardashian-West duo would sit on that evidence all this time and wait for the episode of their show if they truly wanted to just expose her and end the argument, you’re an idiot. Stay woke.
2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Jenner are the greatest of all time – I always catch heat for this when I say it because I’m supposed to be a Bro and a Guy’s Guy and say I hate the Kardashians because thats just the easy thing to say. Fuck that. I straight up ADMIRE the Kardashians. They are incredible. Kris Jenner as the puppet master behind the scene. The Cersei Lannister of Reality TV. The baddest bitch. Kim Kardashian the figurehead for the most impressive run to fame and fortune in history. Everyone always says “They arent even talented!” like thats supposed to be an insult??? How the fuck do you get rich and famous when you DON’T have talent??? Getting rich and famous with talent is the easy part. When God blesses you with an incredible voice or athletic talent or acting chops etc etc you’re gonna be famous. God gave the Kardashians nothing but fat asses and stupendous business acumen and thats all they’ve needed to take over the motherfucking world. Thats incredible. The Kardashian’s God given talent is the ability to be famous. They continue their fame better than anyone ever has. If it were really that easy to be famous, everyone would do it.
And shit like this is why. Middle of the summer, nothing going on, barely anything happening, nothing on TV, no sports. 6 months after the issue arose in the first place. Kris and Kim look at the schedule, see when the episode of Keeping Up with The Kardashian’s deals with this topic, and they plot this entire thing. Kim was fed the fuck up with all that Pokemon talk. Needed to take back the throne. Revenge is a dish best served cold and publicity stunts are better served freezing when nobody expects it. Brilliant.
Now that we’ve all discussed this nonsense with our Third Eye and understand this is a publicity stunt, we’ll have some fun with the remaining top story lines:
3. Taylor Swift fans losing their shit over Taylor getting posterized:
The Swifties, as they’re called, dont know what the fuck to do. Their Queen just got a giant facial and they dont know where to turn. I gotta be honest – if you’re a diehard Taylor Swift fan like this Jessica chick, youre probably one of the biggest losers alive. I mean any of those groups of fans for any of these pop stars are weirdos – the Beliebers, The Monsters, the Beyhive etc etc. But the Swifties are obsessed with the weirdest, lamest, most awkward chick ever. Watching them meltdown on twitter was highly enjoyable. Taylor dropped her explanation later that night and it was the worst response ever:
This was like when Rufio and Peter were trading insults at the dinner table in Hook. Kim K was Rufio and Taylor was Peter:
Just an abysmal comeback. Saying that the part that really bothered you is being called a bitch when he said he was going to FUCK YOU because he MADE YOU is laughable. Thats grasping at straws on a hundred thousand zillion.
4. Kanye West using his “White People” Voice/Taylor Swift getting dominated in her conversation with a black person
An extra little wrinkle here that’s cracking me up. Black Twitter calling out Kanye for using his “white people” voice and talking like a little bitch when on the phone with Taylor. Now, to be fair, Kanye has always kind of talked like a white guy. Its not the first time we’ve heard the weird, meek, mousey voice from Kanye but he laid it on extra thick. Reminded me of Buzz in Home Alone 2 when he gives that phony apology to the family for ruining the Christmas pageant. That was Kanye on the phone with Taylor Swift. He probably hung up the phone and called her a trout sniffer. The exact moment I knew this whole thing was fake was when Kanye said “What I give a fuck about is just you as a person, and as a friend. I want things that make you feel good. I don’t wanna do rap that makes people feel bad. I just felt I had a responsibility to you as a friend. I mean, thanks for being so cool about it.” Nobody fucking talks like that. Give me a break. Thats not “Kanye’s White People Voice” thats “Kanye’s tricking some white people voice.”
And the other side of the coin is Taylor just straight up getting bullied because she was nervous talking to a black rapper on the phone. “Oh cool! Thats so flattering! You want to have sex with me? OMG thats so totally awesome. I mean you totally didnt know who I was, right? So thats like, totally the truth. I get it. Its so cool. I’m ok with this.’ *Hangs up phone and immediately regrets everything she said*
5. The “Its illegal to record phone conversations without consent!” crowd
These people can go ahead and shut. the. fuck. up. Everyone turns into a twitter lawyer all the sudden. Everybody becomes Charlie Kelly all of a sudden. Guess what? Nobody cares. Nobody cares about Taylor Swift’s right to privacy during phone calls. If you interact with anyone remotely associated to the Kardashians you have to assume you’re being recorded so I dont give a shit about what parties need to consent. We all have the right to not be a fucking idiot when dealing with sociopath fame whores.
6. Kim K is one down ass bitch. I mean, what a woman. So petty. So vindictive. Standing up for her man – which she probably married for fame purposes, but whatever – to each their own. Point is her husband is out there making records about banging other chicks and Kim K is right over his shoulder like “I’ma film this shit so I have evidence to back you up, boo!” Thats a ride or die bitch right there. Imagine if I was catching heat on the blog for joking about banging some chick and my wife came to my defense like this? Yea fucking right! My wife would be like “Yea thats what you get you idiot. I told you not to say that. Why do you have to be such an moron all the time?” If somehow I were in Kanye’s roll my wife would 100% be on Team Taylor. But Kim’s out there wearing her King’s homeless people clothes and defending him to no end. Out there sniping anybody trying to come at their throne. Kanye and Kim relationship goals.
DOUBLE EXTRA BONUS:
7. Rick Rubin’s corpse in the background of all this:
I’m convinced Rick Rubin lives in the sewers underground like Danny Devito as the Penguin in Batman Returns. Him being in the background of this saga was just too perfect.