Enjoy Your All Star Break With Your Official "Calm The Fuck Down, Everything's Going To Be All Right" Cubs Blog
“Knock it off. Now.” – Theo
This is the most important blog I have ever written on this website.
That’s because we’re at a critical juncture in not just your fandom, but the fandom of every Cubs‘ fan on the planet. And that juncture is simply called how to handle being good. I know, I know. Foreign territory this side of town but we’re new to this so let’s take a step back and use a simple analogy.
Full disclosure – I happily accept that an overwhelming majority of our readership consists of young men without full developed critical reasoning skills. I also happily accept that I am apart of this overwhelming majority, and furthermore, that because of this connection, you will know what I’m talking about.
Remember that girl who showed up sophomore year of high school and you and your buddies were like what the FUCK happened to her this summer? Keeping it simple, she matured into what we can colloquially refer to as a blue chip recruit. Next thing you know, the upper classmen are hawking our shy, quiet, overnight bombshell and she has no clue… just absolutely no fucking clue how to handle the attention.
Cubs fans are the sophomore girl right now.
Scenario: OMG JASON IS TEXTING ME WHAT DO I DO OUR BABIES WOULD BE FANTASTIC AND WE HAVE THE SAME INITIALS OMG REBECCA LIKE WHAT SHOULD I SAY
Translation: holy fuck are we really as good as everyone is acting? BTW we definitely need to win a world series right now. Like tomorrow because what if we don’t?
Simple Analysis: Yes. The Chicago Cubs really are as good as they’ve shown us the first half. Starting pitching depth – something Theo universally praised from Day 1 as the key to this wholllleeeeeeeeee fuckin party – is off the charts. Young dynamic depth – the thing we’ve been building slowly but surely since the actual rebuild started – is also off the charts. Superstar development – the thing you really can’t control outside of maximizing the best environment to foster said superstar development – is off the charts to the point that we had to co-brand the two best youngsters in the National League as one unified party otherwise known as Bryzzo.
So to keep it simple, yes. We really are this good. And the fact that Jason is now texting you, the blossoming sophomoric virgin, about the weekend should get you exited, not anxious. At the end of the day, whether the Cubs win the whole thing or not this year, or you get that unplanned pregnancy with Jason, will ultimately come down to a handful of good/poor decisions. Everyone knows that. Fortunately, that time is not now, so take a deep breath and act like you’ve been here before.
Does the bullpen suck? Not at all. It’s not perfect, but it certainly doesn’t suck. Granted, it’s cost the team some games of late BUT it’s important to note the remarkable amount of quality starting pitching we’ve received the first half of the season. Do you really feel comfortable bitching about Justin Grimm’s disastrous start when guys like Kyle Hendricks and Jason Hammel are outpacing MLB #4’s and #5’s at literally a HISTORIC pace? Does Trevor Cahill bother you that much? Or the fact that Rondon isn’t the power closer with the October pedigree that makes you totally comfortable that the Cubs can win the whole thing? If so, then fuck you. Sincerely. That’s the same double standard most of you currently have (or at some point) held yourself to when looking for a job… how can I have work experience without them giving me the job? How can you lament on Rondon’s weaknesses when he hasn’t even had the chance to shut you up in the first place?
Newsflash fellas: Theo devalues relief pitching inversely proportional to power hitting. (Read: the complete opposite.) So look at it from the side for a second – the hardest thing for any team to find is power bats. Plain and simple, and if you don’t believe me, then just stop reading and continue to be wildly misinformed about modern baseball asset theory. There’s plenty of room for you at the Chive. For now, the fact remains that power bats are impossible to find, which is why we have watched Theo & Co. continually stockpile power pats across every level of the organization.
In the same respect, I can tell you what the Cubs are not stockpiling at every level of the organization, and that’s relief pitching. Why? Because it’s easy to find at the trade deadline due to a market flooded with predominantly short-term, low value contracts on relievers/mercenaries that (a) won’t be pitching in October, and (b) are thus of absolute no value to teams not contending. We’re not talking about corner outfielders and catchers and pieces you build around. We’re not talking about complex packages for prospects and long-term undervalued starting pitchers. We’re talking about relievers. And while we’re here, I’m literally writing this with the demeanor of Allen Iverson circa 2002. So spare me the drama bomb every tom dick and jane in this fuckin city’s dropped the last few weeks about how the bullpen sucks.
Relatively speaking? Sure, it sucks compared to the fact that the Cubs are starting THE ENTIRE INFIELD at the All Star game. And maybe it sucks compared to Joe Maddon and Theo Epstein being the best Manager/GM combo in baseball. But it certainly doesn’t suck to the point that any person with a shred of intuition layered on top of basic common fucking sense would reason to trade Kyle Schwarber for Aroldis Chapman or Andrew Miller. Get the fuck out of my face with that. Kyle Schwarber has balls the size of your head, hits absolute missiles from the left side of the plate, and is worth next to nothing (especially with a full season injury) until late arbitration years IN TWENTY FUCKING TWENTY.
But hey, this rock solid lineup we’ve built from the ground up… the one that should seamlessly position this organization for multiple October appearances over the next decade plus…. let’s start chipping away at it’s foundation by trading for a big time/game/moment/high-leverage/whatever-you-want-to-call-it reliever because we’re only SEVEN games up in the division – widely considered baseball’s best division to start the season – and it’s already July 12th. Yeah that sounds like just a wonderful idea. Totally something you’d expect the guy who gave us Jake Arrieta for Scott Feldman, Rizzo for Cashner, Schwarber 4th overall, the best of Dexter Fowler for next-to nothing, Kyle Hendricks for Ryan Dempster, Kris Bryant ahead of Jonathan Grey (yes, this was a real and legitimate decision) and the list goes on. Point is I’m sure Cubs’ brass is well positioned to make the correct personnel decisions heading down the stretch.
So, with that said, why are you freaking out? Because the Cubs dropped 4 games in the division over the last month? Boo fucking hoo. Those guys had 24 games in a row, most of which were on a gruesome road stretch, and have been playing out of their goddamn minds for the first half of the season.
Remember, no one fucks the prom queen in February. You have to wait till prom. That’s kinda how that works. So if you’re worried about the World Series, remember that there is a long, long season left. The important things for now are to get fresh on this break, continue to work opposing pitchers harder than any other lineups, and continue to aggressively attack opposing hitters. Leave the personnel shit up to the big guy. And don’t forget, the only reason you even have a reason to bitch in the first place is because of this front office. So take some comfort in knowing that they turned an absolute dumpster fire into mother fucking fire flames exciting baseball. If anyone can shore up the last few pieces here, it’s these guys.
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Until then, quit your bitching, pissing, moaning and complaining.