Lebron James Is A Cheap Son Of A Bitch

No exaggeration, this is the most I’ve ever hated Lebron. To be fair, I’ve never really HATED him save for The Decision and the grotesque party they threw for themselves after that, but this easily tops the list. Cheap people are the worst fucking people in the world, they are insufferable to hang out with. I have a buddy who will pay you for his one beer if you buy a round of beers because he doesn’t want to get saddled with an entire round and it fucking ruins my night every time he slips me like seven bucks. But Lebron is worse than that.

First of all, I’m going to assume “exact tipper” means bad tipper, because it does. Lebron gets his green visor and abacus out every time the bill comes because he doesn’t want to overtip. FUCK that dude, don’t make a scene and hold up our night because you don’t want to be out of five extra bucks. When the bill comes I am entirely checked out of dinner and start getting incredibly anxious about moving. I simply must be out of my seat within moments. I usually don’t even look at the bill, just hand the waitress my credit card and ask her to ring it up then leave like a 25% tip because I suck at math and don’t want everyone to see me taking an hour trying to do a simple tip. That’s how you do dinner. Quick bill, big tip, get the fuck out of there. Being held up by someone because they need to inspect every charge and have the perfect European tip is outrageously annoying.

And the wi-fi? Bitch, I’m not going to be able to get in touch with you if we get separated tonight because you don’t want your goddamn data to roam? We have to live like we’re in an episode of Seinfeld because your billionaire ass doesn’t want to run the risk of a data charge? I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even really know what that is. I thought I had unlimited text messages so I don’t know how you get a data charge. But that’s the difference between me and Lebron, money is no object to me when it comes to not being a nuisance to my friends. If you ask me, that makes me richer than him.

PS – Good god Gabrielle Union is so fucking sexy.