I’ve got nothing but love for Ciara since her Ride video and I don’t even really hate Russell Wilson, he’s just a dork. But goddamn do they make it hard to like them. From “doing it like Jesus did it,” to the DMs from God telling Russ that he made him throw that interception in the Super Bowl for a reason, to the concussion curing water, to Wednesday weddings, he makes it really, really hard to not hate him. I mean a Wednesday on 4th of July week? In London? So I have to ruin my Independence Day and freedom from England by flying back to that damn country then take a whole week off of work just to watch you get married to a girl who still might have a penis (a lot of people love that rumor but it’s still got nothing on Marilyn Manson getting ribs removed to suck his own dick, if you ask me)? Fuck you, dude. Some of us are normal people and don’t have offseasons. Some folks have this as their one slow week a year and they’d prefer to spend it on the beach, not at your born-again virginity losing party. Have your wedding on a Saturday between May and October like a normal person.
PS – Those Ciara and Marilyn Manson rumors were like the last great tales of oral history. It was right before the internet went big yet every single elementary school kid in the country knew them. Don’t even know how it happened, did we all share them at camp or something?
PPS – Ciara has to be fucking terrified today, right? Again, she’s a girl who FUCKS. Her Ride video proved that, Future says she was an absolute weapon. So she’s gotta realize that they’re going to get into the bedroom, she’s gonna undress a man who hasn’t had sex in years, and then there’s a real possibility she realizes that she’s never going to be satisfied in her life. That’s a lot to be worrying about as you walk down the aisle. She’s always had that hope that maybe once they do it it will be amazing, it was like Schrödinger’s cat except with a dick in the box. If you never use it, maybe it’s great? But today she finds out once and for all. Scary.