It's A Goddamn Shame Nobody Picked Up Our Boy Biz Nasty Yesterday In NHL Free Agency
Not to be completely outdone by NBA Free Agency yesterday, the NHL Free Agent market was equally as drunk after opening up on July 1st. Obviously the money isn’t nearly the same but it would appear that NHL GMs all across the league were celebrating the holiday weekend a little too early. 6 and 7-year contracts were flying around like STD’s on the Blackout Tour. Over $400 million USD was thrown around yesterday. Hell, even Alexander Radulov got his 7th opportunity in the NHL. Yet some how, some way, NOBODY decided to give Biz a chance. And that’s just a crying shame. And I’ll tell you what it really is; it’s a crime against humanity as well. Because the world deserves more of this asshole.
The day started off with so much hope and potential. I bet Biz even had a nice bottle of scotch he bought just waiting to crack it open once he got his new contract. Or at least a half-full case of Molsons to gas with the boys once he got that call. But life ain’t always easy sometimes and after an hour into the day, still no new contract for Biz.
Glad to see he’s able to remain cool and rational about this so far. Maybe teams were just waiting to see what the Okposo contract looked like before signing Paul Bissonnette. But good to see he isn’t acting out just yet.
3 minutes later…
Good. Fuck that guy anyway. Biz Nasty should have been the first name taken off the board. Paul Bissonnette’s agent and Johnny Manziel’s lawyer. The two most useless sacks of shit on planet Earth. Now would have been a GREAT time for Pageviews to scoop in and offer Biz a job but I guess Nantucket was keeping him too busy. 
Sorry, Paul. That was actually me. I was just checking to make sure I had the right number.
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First of all, I think Shanny HAS to give Paul the job now right? I mean, he asked politely. He said the magic word. Second of all, just imagine Matty Martin and Paul Bissonnette on the same team together. Bash Brothers All Grown Up. Want it. Need it. Gotta have it.
What’s all this talk about NHL enforcers and CTE? You think that fighting causes brain damage? Because this is the smartest business strategy ever. You’re not going to get Kane/Toews money if GM’s think that you’ll just sign for anything. Welcome to Paul Bissonnette’s School of Business. That lesson was for free, the next one is gonna cost ya. Sorry, Bernie Sanders.
Now we’re cooking. The Predators already swapped out Shea Weber for PK Subban. They traded Seth Jones for Ryan Johanesen. They extended Filip Forsberg. What’s the only missing piece of the puzzle to becoming a legitimate threat to win the Stanley Cup? Paul Bissonnette. Looks like Dave Poile is finally figuring this whole thing out…
God. Fucking. Dammit. No more jokes, people. We need to make this happen. Paul Bissonnette is a true people’s champion. If we all band together, I’m sure that we can find a way to get him back into the league. As the old saying goes, “it takes a village to get this mother fucker a job”. And in the mean time, I’d like to extend a standing offer for Biz to join my beer league team. We can’t offer you top 6 minutes, but you’ll definitely be able to find a role in that bottom 6. Maybe some penalty killing responsibilities as well. Just think about it and get back to me.
P.S. – to every NHL player who DID get a new contract yesterday, feel free to donate a few thousand dollars my way. I’ll hit you up with my Venmo account. But you all got overpaid. You know it. I know it. The whole world knows it. So don’t be stingy with that donation.