Steven Stamkos Isn't Signing With Your Favorite Team This Summer. Here's Why

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Stammer Watch 2016 is in full effect right now as Steven Stamkos is set to become an UFA on Friday. Nobody thought we’d actually get to this day. Nobody thought that the Tampa Bay Lightning would let the 1st overall pick in 2008 hit Free Agency. Yet here we are today–Tuesday June 28, 2016–and there is no contract in place. So in less than 100 hours, Steven Stamkos will be free to sign with whichever team he pleases. However, here’s why Stammer will NOT be signing with your favorite team. So shut the fuck up and keep your stupid rumors to yourself.

Anaheim Ducks

  • Corey Perry, Ryan Getzlaf and Ryan Kesler is already the most hated lineup imaginable as is. Steven Stamkos already looks enough like Draco Malfoy as is. If you send Stamkos to Anaheim, then you have a real life Slytherin on your hands. Not sure how many of you actually watched Harry Potter but yeah, Slytherin doesn’t win shit. Buncha bad boys who make it far but end up losing Game 7 at home year after year. Sound familiar?

Arizona Coyotes

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The Coyotes just drafted a better looking blonde with blue eyes and a square jaw. The only reason you’d want to play in Arizona right now is to take a run at the GM’s sister. And with Chychrun in the lockerroom now, Stamkos wouldn’t have a chance.

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Boston Bruins

  • Why would Steven Stamkos leave Tampa, sign with Boston, only to probably be traded from Boston within 3 years back to Tampa for a conditional 6th round pick? That still wouldn’t be the worst trade in Don Sweeney’s tenure.

Buffalo Sabres

  • Evander Kane has found himself in yet another legal issue in Buffalo over this past week. So in the course of a year, that is one investigation for Patrick Kane in Buffalo and two for Evander. It’s just not the best time in the world to be a hockey player in the city of Buffalo. You want to hang out with the Ryan Brothers and Richie Incognito and do nothing but eat a shit ton of wings? That sounds great… for a weekend. But not for the next 8-10 years of your life.

Calgary Flames

  • I actually don’t have anything mean to say about the Calgary Flames. Which is not a good spot to be in. Just means that you’re a grey team. One of those teams that nobody really remembers if you’re there or not. Love Gaudreau and love Matthew Tkachuk, but the Flames could take a year off for all anybody cares. It also looked like a pretty beat town in Cool Runnings so good luck getting Stamkos to leave Tampa for Calgary.

Carolina Hurricanes

  • Moving sucks. It’s a pain in the ass, it’s tiresome, it’s strenious, nobody ever wants to let you borrow their truck. It’s the worst. So why would Steven Stamkos move to Carolina only to have to move again in a couple years to Quebec City?

Chicago Blackhawks

  • Yeah, like anybody would ever want to play for the Blackhawks at this point. Their core is aging and they lose everybody else because of the salary cap. They had their 3-Cup run but it’s over, baby. Back to another decade of irrelevance just like the 90’s-early 2000’s.

Colorado Avalanche

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Does anybody actually like playing for this psychopath? Patrick Roy was my favorite goalie growing up and I’m sure that’s the case for plenty of guys in the league right now. But as a coach? The man is a goddamned lunatic. Get real.

Columbus Blue Jackets

  • The only coach who would suck to play for more than Patrick Roy would be John Tortorella. Mix that in with the fact that they’re already up against the cap with a team who finished in 27th place last year and yup, you know why Columbus is the worst organization in the NHL right now.

Dallas Stars

  • While Texas is the only other state that Steven Stamkos can go to where he won’t get hit with income tax, they are also the city who is guilty of killing JFK’s career. Does Steven Stamkos want to be the second young, handsome man who has the world by the balls end up going to Dallas only to have his hopes and dreams die on the spot? Not likely.

Detroit Red Wings

  • Pavel Datsyuk literally just left Detroit for Russia. Just think about that for a second. Russia is a more desirable location to live than the city of Detroit. Russia is a wasteland. Russia is a hell hole of humanity. And Datsyuk would rather live there than spend another hour in Detroit. Good luck trying to get Stamkos to sign, you poor fuckwads.

Edmonton Oilers

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  • Anybody who watches Game of Thrones knows what happens when an entire city is left in the hands of a young, inexperienced blonde kid. Is Connor McDavid Edmonton’s Tommen Baratheon? I don’t know. You tell me.

Florida Panthers

  • The last part of the “D.E.N.N.I.S. System” is to separate entirely. You want those ties to be completely severed. You don’t want anything to do with this girl any more. So you don’t want to have to keep running into her friends while you’re out. You don’t want her to still be able to drive past your house on a random Thursday night. Staying in Florida after breaking up with the Lightning just isn’t in Steven Stamkos’ best interests. He needs to take a vacation. He needs to get away.

Los Angeles Kings

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  • Fuck these guys. They deserve nothing.

Minnesota Wild

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  • Yeah, I’m sure that throwing Elmer Fudd behind the bench really did wonders for Minnesota’s odds of landing Stamkos…

Montreal Canadiens

  • Because that organization knows how to treat it’s star players and everytihng. If there’s one team in the NHL that deserves a reality tv show, it’s the Habs. Bunch of Québecois imbeciles, that management team is.

Nashville Predators

  • They’re still stuck paying Shea Weber about half a gazillion dollars through the next 50 years thanks to that offer sheet from the Flyers a few summers ago. You can count Nashville out of the Stammer Sweepstakes.

New Jersey Devils

  • Realistically, it’s actually not a horrible landing spot for Stamkos. But I’ll be damned if he ends up anywhere in the Metro division besides Philly so here’s my warning to Steven Stamkos right now. If you sign with the New Jersey Devils, I will travel to the Prudential Center every single day and put all of your equipment in Jell-O brand gelatin.

New York Islanders

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  • Stamkos and Tavares used to play together as kids. Stamkos’ dad was the coach. And they both wore #19. So to make sure that there wasn’t any preferential treatment, Mr. Stamkos made his son change to 91. Now imagine however many years later today is. Imagine if Stamkos goes to Brooklyn. And now he and Tavares both wear #91 and Stamkos is forced to change his number yet again for that mother fucker. Yeah, think again. Ain’t gonna happen.

New York Rangers

  • Because the big free agency signings of Rick Nash Marian Gaborik, Brad Richards and Bobby Holik have all worked out so favorably for the Rangers before…

Ottawa Senators

  • This post is already getting a little too long. Let’s just move past the teams that obviously don’t have a chance.

Philadelphia Flyers

  • Remember the last time in free agency that somebody actually wanted to come play in Philadelphia? Yeah, me neither. 1975.

Pittsburgh Penguins

  • Steven Stamkos is looking for something in the range of $8.5-$12 million AAV right now with some of the numbers that have been thrown around already. That’s USD. American legal tender. If you go to Pittsburgh, they pay you in mayonnaise and Primanti Bros. sandwiches. Those things are a travesty. to sandwiches all across the nation. Fuck Pittsburgh.

St. Louis Blues

  • Wayne Gretzky. Brett Hull. Keith Tkachuk. Paul Kariya. The list goes on and on of top tier talent that have been forced to play in hockey purgatory which is the city of St. Louis. Going to St. Louis is essentially the same thing as early retirement.

San Jose Sharks

  • After letting Sidney Crosby win his 2nd Stanley Cup and giving the city of Pittsburgh a reason to have a parade, the San Jose Sharks should be banished to the KHL.

Tampa Bay Lightning

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  • Maybe if Steven Stamkos had the same level of heart, grit, and compete-level as Jonathan Drouin does, the Lightning would have given him a new contract already. But nope. This is Drouin’s team now. Peace out, girl scout.

Toronto Maple Leafs

  • It’s called playing hard to get, you idiots. Ever heard of it? Ever read a book once in your life? God you guys are so fucking stupid. It’s just sad at this point. The entire city of Toronto has been sucking this dude’s dick for the past 48 months to come be their savior. Maybe try to play it cool a little. You’re creeping him out.

Vancouver Canucks

  • Maybe if Stamkos wanted to be homeless and addicted to heroin. Other than that, I don’t really know what else Vancouver is good at.

Washington Capitals

  • Stamkos is looking to win a Stanley Cup here, people. Not just the regular season. If he wanted to be able to go on vacation every summer after the 2nd round, he’d probably pick a location he’d get to do that in without having to deal with Nate’s fandom.

Winnipeg Jets

  • Like I said, let’s just move along from the teams that actually have zero percent chance.

So What’s The Final Verdict Here…?

Well I think we all knows what needs to happen. Stamkos needs to pull an Eric Lindros here. He needs to refuse to play in the NHL for a season and return to juniors. Or maybe he can go play in the NCAA for a year since that’s where he has a chance of making the most amount of money. So spend a year in the NCAA and then after that, the Las Vegas team will be ready to offer him a contract and that’s where he’ll end up. It’s the only move that makes a lick of sense at this point. And just like that, my Stammer Watch is over.

@BarstoolJordie