Update: Forgot about chickens and turkeys being things. In my defense, “he enjoys vegetarian cuisine” is a confusing way to say “he likes vegetables.” I stand by saying he needs to eat a steak. Red meat makes men.
Obviously, I didn’t know shit about Jaylen Brown 12 hours ago. I hardly get to see Mike Trout play so if you think I’ve seen a second of Pac-12 basketball you’re a crazy person. But, because I’m such a remarkably dedicated journalist, I’ve spent my morning doing some reading on Brown. My favorite piece, despite the fact that it’s written like a Barstool blog with worse grammar, was this one in The Undefeated. No doubt about it, Brown is a really interesting kid. Learned Spanish in a semester, huge soccer fan, plays guitar, “eccentric,” only player to wear a suit to meet with teams, only player who wanted to play against other draft picks in workouts rather than just chairs, extremely intelligent, big chess player, blah, blah, blah. While reading that I became all about this kid.
Until I got to the part about him being a vegetarian. If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times, yet it can’t be said enough: you cannot trust a vegetarian as you cannot trust a man who doesn’t like a beer. There’s something intrinsically wrong with a person like that. They thumb their nose at human nature. When I was reading the bit about Brown’s competitive nature I couldn’t help but think, Oh shit, we just got ourselves an animal, and it turns out he’s a koala bear. For god’s sake, Jaylen, you’re 6’7″ 230 pounds and have pretty much a 7 foot wingspan. You’re a giant. An eco-friendly diet for a guy your size is refraining from eating human babies. I don’t know much about anatomy but I know that kind of frame wasn’t meant to be sustained by quinoa and tofu, that’s for sure.
I know a lot of Celtics fans at the Garden draft party booed last night, and that was wrong. But do me a favor and eat a fucking steak. That should start to smooth things over, at least for me.