Handing Out Some NHL Awards... Awards

2016 NHL Awards - Show

The 2016 NHL Awards were last night and chances are.. well chances are that you didn’t really give a heck. It’s a great idea in theory, but if you can hardly get anybody to watch game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final, then how do you expect people to turn into an end of the year Award show? Just tweet out the results and nobody will ever really notice the difference. Unless the NHL smartens up and starts to treat the NHL Awards like the Golden Globes. Let everybody get trashed and then maybe you’ll have some compelling television. For now, the NHL Awards are stuck in this middle ground where it’s a cool idea, but there’s really no need to actually tune in. With all that being said, let’s hand out some awards that didn’t quite make it to the show last night.

Most Likely To Have Spent Equal Or More Time On Their Hair Than Their Date


I honestly feel bad for Erik Karlsson’s girlfriend. It’s obvious that she’s trying as hard as she possibly can. She’s got the ombre going but no matter what she does to her hair, it won’t be able to top Karlsson’s mane.

Most Likely To Be Crop Dusting Everybody Right Now


I’ve seen this face all too many times. This is the face of a man who knows exactly what he’s doing. It’s the exact face you make when you leave your girl’s place and can finally let one loose. One of the top 5 most satisfying feelings in the entire world. Barry Trotz is 100% farting in this picture and I commend him for his efforts. Still can’t get Washington past the 2nd round though…

Most Likely To Be Separated At Birth

2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet2016 NHL Awards - Press Room

Feel like a night out with Brent Burns and Drew Doughty would be the best time of your life. Gassin’ beers and chuckin’ knucks for sure. People love to bitch and complain that there’s not enough personality and star power in the NHL these days. Well Burnzie and Doughty are two of the biggest beauties this world has ever seen so I have no idea what those losers are talking about.

Guess That Ass


It was a ridiculously impressive rookie season for Shayne Gostisbehere. But this may be his finest highlight of the year. Who needs the Calder trophy when you’ve got your hands full of that? (Really would have loved that Calder Trophy)

Most Likely To Look Like Ernest Borgnine


I’m a firm believer that Patrick Kane should keep his helmet on at all times.

Most Likely To Give Everybody An Erection (That’s a scientific term for boner)

2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet2016 NHL Awards - Show2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet

Olivia Culpo side-boob is the best side-boob. Those are just the facts. I’d write more about them but she just turned my brain into a giant bowl of applesauce right now.

Most Likely To Give The Stanley Cup A Boner

2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet ‘

You know how I said Barry Trotz knew exactly what he was doing? Well same goes for Erin Heatherton last night. Stanley Cup was the perfect height to get a peek up that skirt slit. Lord Stanley, you old sailor, you.

Most Likely To Steal Everybody’s Girl

2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet

Mother fucking Jacob Tremblay, man.  Who has it better than Tremblay? Nobody. That’s who. Kid is 9-years-old and can already have his pick of whatever woman he wants in any given room. It’s cute now but just wait until he’s 18 and actually stealing everybody’s girl. You’ll have to hate respect Jacob Tremblay for the rest of your life.

Best Recurring Guest On The Rundown

2016 NHL Awards - Red Carpet

I’d say something about Sydney Esiason right now but I also don’t want my face to be the recepient of Matt Martin’s fist so we’ll just call it a blog there.

P.S. – Actual award winners in case you missed them.

  • Hart – Patrick Kane
  • Calder – Artmei Panarin
  • Norris – Drew Doughty (about time)
  • Vezina – Braden Holtby
  • Selke – Anze Kopitar
  • Jack Adams – Barry Trotz