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Baseballs Continue To Ravage The Indians' Testicles, As Juan Uribe Was Carted Off The Field After Taking A Rocket To The Nuts

Last Tuesday:





MLB Statcast is great, because it can tell you the distance in which baseballs are hit, and how fast they were traveling once they made contact with the bat. It can also tell you the velocity in which a baseball was traveling when it vaporized a man’s testicles. Newton’s First Law of Motion is as followed: “A body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it, and a body in motion at a constant velocity will remain in motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an outside force.” Mike Trout’s ground ball was traveling at 106 miles per hour, and the outside forces that acted upon the baseball were gravity, the ground, and Juan Uribe’s testicles.


How much of a savage do you have to be to laugh in Uribe’s face while he’s slowly dying like Francisco Lindor did? If you’re a guy, you know the indescribable pain that Uribe must be in after taking a baseball to the nuts at 106 miles per hour. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy, and I have no idea how he didn’t puke.