The Philadelphia Zoo Will Be Opening A Beer Garden. Pray For The Gorillas

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Philly.com – Everybody is getting into the act with beer gardens. Now, it’s the Philadelphia Zoo.

Later this month or in early July, America’s oldest zoo will open The Watering Hole. This new spot – open to admitted zoo patrons – is on the south side of the property near Eagle’s Roost, the popular lunch spot. (It’s the entrance area to the former children’s zoo.)…The choices may not be edgy – the beers are Bud Light, Stella Artois, and Goose Island 312 for $6 and the two wines are from the cellars Robert Mondavi for $8 – but they will be poured into clear eco-friendly cups.

Yeah. Reeeeaaaaaalllllll smooth timing one this one, Philadelphia Zoo. Barely over a week removed from Harambe the gorilla getting shot and killed because some shithead parent couldn’t keep her shithead son out of the gorilla pit, the Philly Zoo announces they’ll be opening up a beer garden. In theory, this is one of the best ideas ever. I can’t think of many better times than going out to get shitfaced drunk while being able to go check out monkeys and giraffes and elephants and zebras and lemurs and hippos and lions and peacocks and everything else that the zoo has to offer. Seems like the perfect summer day. But by and large, this is just opening the floodgates to a whole bunch of drunken debauchery and a whole bunch of situations on our hands much like Harambe. But instead of innocent little kids ending up in a gorilla pit, it’ll be some 21-year-old hard dick trying to drunkenly impress the hard dick friends he showed up with

And here’s what you need to keep in mind. This isn’t just any old beer garden in any old city. This is Philadelphia. And what we’ve come to realize is that we don’t exactly have the greatest track record when it comes to our drunken behavior in public places. Hell, some of these assholes can’t even enjoy a nice cool refreshing Bud Light Lime without hurling the bottle at one of the most heroic athletes this city has to offer. You think anybody is going to think twice about chucking a Bud Light into a cage of tigers? Think again, hombre. Between Citizens Bank Park, Lincoln Financial Field and the Wells Fargo Center, I’d say that Philadelphia already has enough drunken zoos as is. But like I said before, I’m not complaining about adding another one to the mix. It’s just that sometimes the right ideas aren’t always the best ideas. I’ll see you jabronis there.

@BarstoolJordie