MMBM: LeBron James Peaked In High School
Note: TL;DR.
Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
What a disaster of a game two for LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Down 0-2 going back to Cleveland is not a ideal situation if your the worlds best basketball player, and especially if you came into this league with the resume and the promises that James had coming in as a 18 year old. But James failure to live up to his potental while getting passed by so many of his less-touted peers leaves no doubt in my mind- LeBron James peaked in High School.
James reminds us all of that guy we knew. Won a state championship, had all the women, all the friends. Wore his letter jacket around and was the toast of his hometown. But the second he had to adapt to the real world, he discovered that life wasn’t always going to be handed to him, and he’s had a hard time coming to terms with that. His 2013 championship where he brought along a bunch of rented friends and teammates was basically like going back to your 10 year reunion bald and ringless, and bringing along a prostitute.
Quick look at a list of the best players in NBA history for the past 30 years has Michael Jordan who was such a dorky nerd in high school that he couldn’t even make their second best basketball team. Kobe went to school in Italy like some wierdo, and Steph Curry was such a pathetic spaz that he couldnt even get a scholarship to his Dads old college, getting passed up by the Virginia Tech admissions board that year in favor of the safer bets of Cho Son Hui and Marcus Vick.
All this adversity made Curry, Kobe, and Jordan have to actually develop personalties instead of just expecting the world to hand them everything on a platter. James on the other hand thought he would just skip college and live in his moms basement for 5 years in Akron with his high school sweetheart and just keep relying on the same dumb luck that won him the genetic lottery 31 years ago.
But just like basically every other dumb jock, the real world has hit Lebron hard. No longer able to fall back on all the accolades he received when he was a teenager, prom King James has faded away into anonymity like the rest of us. It looks like his best bets going to be just opening up a car dealership in Akron and living off the 4 years of glory at St. Vincent St. Marys, because it sure looks like the only title he’s earning this year is “most likely to read his yearbook everynight and cry.”
No offense.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Mohammad Ali
RIP to Mohammad Ali who had the most common name in the world so, statistically it makes sense that someone with that name would be the greatest athlete in the history of a sport. If anything, the fact that there aren’t more people named Mohammad Ali in various halls of fame just goes to show is a anomaly.
But what this also means is that statistically Mohammad Ali had to work 10x harder than anyone else in oreder to achieve worldwide fame and earn the title of “the” Mohammad Ali. So in other words I cant decide if he was too famous or not famous enough but I do know that its indicative of the shoddy state of our country that we are taking the time to celebrate a draft dodger on D-Day, which is why we need all need to vote for Donald Trump.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. The Denver Broncos are visiting the White House today and Ive obtained a early copy of Obama’s remarks to the team:
“Good afternoon, and welcome to the White House. Michelle and I want to thank you for coming out, and Sasha and Malias boyfriends would like to express their appreciation for leaving Mark Sanchez at home.
Von Miller is here. Super Bowl MVP. You know, I was watching the game with Hillary and she was having the hardest time trying to find out which Youtube video was repsonsible for the carnage you left in the backfield. Von and I are too peas in a pod here, we both quit college, failed drug tests, and owe alot of our success to the incompetence of Black Panthers.
John Elway is here, as he prepares for the Belmont. We’re all inclusive at this establishment John so if you have to use the bathroom just know your free to pee in any stable that you want. John thats a great team you assmbled there but just remember you didn’t build that.
And Peyton Manning aka the Sherriff is here folks. I know I havent always seen eye to eye with law enforcement, but me and you have alot in common Peyton. We’re both leaders with big heads who didnt grow up operating shotguns and absolutely hate Patriots. You owe that victory to the big guys up front there. The way they kept that Panthers pass rush away I figure you might be the only person over the past 6 years whose been less concerned with Kony than I was. Kind of sad that on D-Day, I’m honoring a man who won a kids game by screaming Omaha rather than celebrating the men who saved the world by storming it. But hey it tells you my priorities folks.
Might shock you to hear this Peyton but I used to play a bit of football too. They call me Randy Mosque because I claim to be the most open in history but in realty I just get a lot of favorable press coverage thats easy to manipulate. Had to quit once I realized that touching a pig skin was a basic part of the game. Peace be upon him.
Gary Kubiak its wonderful to see you still on your feet and healthy. I can always tell when Michelle’s been watching old film of your time in Houston because she starts to break out the “Not now I have a headache” exucses. Kind of ironic that whenever she uses that one I go ahead and have a mini-stroke of my own.
Wade Phillips the big ol sad-sack honey bear thats never found a nickle tails up in his life is here. Wade its always glad to see the American tradition of idiot sons from Texas being able to suceed in the chosen profession of their fathers. “Wade” and “Bum.” -your fathers an ass and your stuck in a quagmire. How bout that. Wade, you held Cam to a 44% completion rate in the Super Bowl, and I’ve instructed the IRS to study that tape so we can figure out a way to take away 66% of something from a millionaire. Excellent job defending against the Panthers offensive schemes there Wade. The justice departments always looking for a man with experience taking away pistols from our opponents if you ever need a job.
Sad to hear that Aqib Talib couldn’t make it out. Lets be clear. Aqib I promise you that I will do everything in my power to track down the man repsonsible for shooting you and the federal agent under my instruction who sold him the assault rifle that was used to do it.
Thank you for coming out. Hope you guys have a great time and whenever you’ve got the time Demaryius, Hillary would like to have a word with your mother about what to expect from her new roomates.”
2. The creator of Godwins Law has been speaking out against it recently. Saying that people are ruining it and trying to educate the masses by explaining what he truly meant when he created it, but its a uphill battle to re-educate the internet. You know who else passed out literature defining his struggle?
3. Bills fans continue to get it:
4. Mark Schlereth coming in hot on the heels (no offense to Rex Ryan) of Grit Week:
5. Lebron James bought his teammates life-sized personally inscribed shields before the playoffs started and I absolutely love this technique. Such a common-man down to earth, guys being dudes move to give his buddies a piece of midevil warfare equipment before playing the Pistons. Unfortunately he ran into a buzzsaw in the finals in Steph Curry who just led by example, had sex, and showed his teammates how they can make there own shield if they have a baby to bring with them to postgame press conferences. Give a man a fish/teach him how to fish type scenario.
6. While other players were studying their playbooks on Saturday night, J.J. Watt was playing the drums onstage with Jimmy Buffet. Say what you want about Tebow but your 100% more likely to see him in the gym than banging some skins during the offseason.
7. As the Bills try to make the leap over the Patriots and Jets in the AFC East, Marquise Goodwin is practicing for the long jump in the olympics. He is currently the gold medal favorite in Rio depsite having finished in 10th place in London. Seems like a natural fit for a Bill to participate in a sport where its literaly impossible for even the best athletes to win a title over a four-year span.
8. Congrats to Landry Jones of the Pittsburgh Steelers who’s wife gave birth to their first child on Thursday night but didn’t stop Jones from attending OTAs on Friday morning. When you think about it, having sex with your family is the ultimate organized team activity and giving birth is just the output of all that hard work. All about the process.
9. Happy D-Day to everyone from the Greatest Generation. These days the only time milleneals take over a piece of sand with blowtorches they call it burning man. Do you know what Hitler did on D-Day while his beaches were being overtaken by demi-milleneals? He slept instead of ordering his tanks to go squash the invasion. If the US army had tweeted “rise and grind” on the day of the invasion, the Nazi’s would of been tipped off and we’d all be speaking German right now. Something to think about the next time you brag about going to the gym.
10. Mohammad Alis death and Aqib Talib getting shot in a Dallas strip club this weekend both serve as huge vindication for editors that make there news team pre-write obvious stories in case they break over the weekend.