Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
The NBA finals are here. The last gasp of entertaining sport before the vaccuum of summer suffucates us and leaves us choking on weekly updates from the Brazil poop water and regular season baseball. And in a year when Hollywood hasn’t produced a original film that’s not a sequel so far, its fitting that the Warriors and the Cavaliers are this summers supposed “Blockbuster.”
Re-matches in general are overrated. We rematched the Germans back in 1942 and I think we all remembered how that one turned out. God rematched humanity back in 0 BC and it was so boring that he couldn’t be bothered to drag his ass off that cloud and complete the three-peat for the next 2000 years. The rise of players like Curry who care more about making his opponents look bad than making his teammates look good has directly contributed to the rise of players like James Harden who figure that the worst thing that could happen is for them to try and fail at defense, so they just quit. Say what you want about Lebron James, but at least he is so clutch-less that people want to defend him in the last seconds of games. Curry on the other hand likes to frame his opponents up and let the photographers get them in focus before he starts toying with them. Kids watching at home see players look stupid trying to play D, and so they figure they shouldn’t even try.
Everyone always makes thinks Stephs so great just because he breaks peoples ankles and hits shots in their faces. Well folks I know another guy who got “Crossed up” and nailed with 3-points- Jesus Christ.
The events of Harambe and the past couple of days have forced me to look back on a book I once read the sparknotes of- “Ishmail.” Its the story of a Gorilla who could communcate telepathically with some nerd that answered the most obvious serial-killer classified ad of all time. The point of the book was that there are takers and leavers. Takers were people like Steph Curry who decided to take advantage of the environment they were raised in by exploiting angles and science; selfishly taking care of there own stat-line and families while they’re competitors died off under these new rules. Leavers were people like Lebron James who packed up and got out of town once the going got tough. It’s tough to say who to root for, but I know that if Curry had met that Gorilla it would of turned out ugly:
Steph Curry: Hello Ishmail
Ishmail: Hello Steph. With man gone, will there be hope for gorilla?
Steph: (indecipherable sounds)
Ishmail: Please take your mouthpiece out its incredibly disrepsectful when you chew it like that when we’re trying to carry on a conversation. Are you a taker or a leaver?
Riley Curry runs up to see her dad and jumps on his lap and they make goo goo eyes at each other. Its frankly, disgusting.
Ishmail: Steph, we talked about this. This is suppose to be a one-on-one type meeting- no Klay, no Riley to save you from your own inadequacies. Michael Jordan never used his daughter as a shield when he was facing the tough questions from me, the noble Gorilla.
Curry: Here you hold her see how cute she is?
Curry hands Riley over to Ishmail and Ishmail falls under the spell of her charm and smiles and laughs like he hasnt done since he was back in the forest with his family. Draymond Green walks in, panics seeing the gorilla holding a child and shoots Ishmail dead.
Curry: That was close. I almost learned something.
Riley Curry does the run off on the plug dance on top of Ishmail’s body and everyone thinks its so cute except for me
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Michigan RB Drake Johnson
You got to love what Jim Harbaugh is building up in Ann Arbor- a program that stresses accountabilty and resiliance. You know the old football saying if you can get run over by a forklift, you can pick up a blitz. You just know that Harbaugh gets prima nocta on driving any heavy machinery that finds its way into the practice facility and I wouldn’t be suprised if Harbaugh ran him over intentionally just to literally see what this guy was made of. Well, consider the test passed, and put Drake Johnson at the top of your Heisman watch list.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Harvard Graduate Ryan Fitzpatrick is no dummy but hes negotiating like one. He’s reportedly considering playing for another team for lower money than what the Jets are offering out of principle. If there’s anyone who hates lowballs its a guy who overthrew 2 WRs in the fourth quarter of Week 17. Jets should of seen this coming.
2. The Baltimore Ravens are being punished by the NFL for practicing too hard during OTAs, aka making the players keep their helmets on for longer than 20 mins at a time. That’s what its come to folks. This is like getting a divorce because your wife considers having a wet dream to be cheating. Can’t help but think Belichick blew the whistle on the Ravens as a little bit of payback for the time the Ravens caught the Patriots cheating by using a rule that they didn’t know about.
3. Ricky Williams is a partner in the worlds first cannabis-friendly gym out in San Francisco where he lives by the mantra that any class can be a spin class if you huff enough schwag beforehand
4. ESPN finally cuaght up to grit week with this wonderful story about how gritty Matt Slauson is and how Danny Woodhead played a key factor in recruting him to come to San Diego. SD is probably the least gritty city on planet earth with the possible exception of Vatican City which exists as a participation trophy from God. But Danny, Slausson, Derek Watt, and Joey Bosa have such nonexistant egos I’m surprised Manti Te’o hasn’t tried to date them yet.
5. Peyton Manning claimed in a interview that he almost signed with the Titans proving that he might not be the same football genius we all thought, but eventually decided he needed a change and that it would be was unwise to sign with the only NFL owner whose resting heart rate was as low as Irsay’s.
6. Lets talk about kids falling into zoo enclosure’s with gorillas real quick. Anytime you walk into a zoo you have to take mental reps about what could possibly go wrong. Falling into a gorilla encolusre is one of those “accept your death” type situations. But something’s just not adding up for me. How can a kid be smart enough to get past two fences but dumb enough to want to go play with a gorilla. There’s no intelligence sweet spot there that would allow those two things to coexist in anyones brain. It’s possible this gorilla’s death is simply being used as a pretext to disarm more zookeepers in America.
7. FROM LAST WEEK: A story from a reader about playing BBall with Steven Adams at Pitt:
We were playing around February/March. The Superbowl was a few weeks earlier. That was the year that the Ravens beat the 49ers. Anyway, Steve grabs a rebound with one hand throws a bullet pass the length of the court to Trey Ziegler who dunks it and Steve immediately screams in his accent “THATS SOME JOE FLACCO SHIT”.
THATS SOME JOE FLACCO SHIT
8. Does Steph Curry not have the killer instinct because he was raised by two parents? Its something a reader sent me over the weekend and I have to admit it makes alot of sense. Jim Tressel told us that in order to build grit you need adversity. Like when Matthew Dellevedova moved to the United States from a foreign country and had to learn a language he didn’t know for college. Meanwhile, Steph grew up with a nuclear family, chose to go to a school that offered him a free ride instead of wanting to prove himself as a walk-on, and cashed in as soon as possible with a pro contract. Also in case your wondering why the team that didnt deserve to win ended up with more points, Bernie Sanders was in attendence.
9. This might be a unpopular opinion but Shaq Thompson needs to stop hitting people with his car. The Panthers linebacker could face a lawsuit from former Duke QB Anthony Boone for driving directly into him like a total maniac. Thompson had been drinking, but fortunately for the Panthers he registered under the North Carolina legal limit of “still thinking Kenny Chesney sucks.” Little tip my high school coach gave me in the hospital one time- no one has ever gotten into a car accident in the film room.
10. In order to save the Pro Bowl from becoming a cheesy, overyhyped, gimmicky event that costs too much money for a family to attend and delivers very little entertainment value, the NFL is moving the game to Orlando.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Cam opened up the expense account and took a three year old to the White House last week, thereby increasing the average maturty of everyone inside by about 2.5 years. The kid was part of Newton’s TV show where he gives children unrealstic expectations for success and then abandons them shortly thereafter. Newton took the little girl to the White House to interview Michelle Obama where she asked her barely intellgible inconsequncial questions at a pre-K reading level and somehow, Michelle didn’t throw a hoodie over her face and storm out. Maybe he should give his money to the first lady since she’s able to do his job better then he is.
This weeks rating is: