MMBM: Steven Adams Could Not Have Gotten Kicked In The Balls And I Have Mathematic Proof

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.


Lot of hypocrisy out there folks. How come Kellen Winslow gets arrested for sexually assaulting himself in a car but Draymond Green was allowed to finish the contest. I also couldn’t help but notice the Thunder really came alive after the incident, almost like getting hit in the nuts was intentional. Or possibly just a symptom of the state of todays NBA where players are rewarded for faking injuries like a bunch of french soldiers no offense to the French army.

We start to a look at the math real quick and Adams story just doesn’t stand up to the basic laws of physics. Steven is 6’9 feet tall which means his testicles begin approximately  3 and a half feet off the ground. Draymond Greens max vertical jump as measured at the NBA draft combine is 33 inches, meaning its mathematically impossible for his foot to of made contact with Steven Adams balls. There’s some fuzzy math there and a missing 9 inches between where the sole of Draymonds sneaker could of possibly maxed out and where Steven Adams testes would be expected to be found. Add this to the fact that Adams didn’t make an attempt to jump and block the shot and there is no other conclusion to reach but the fact that Adams was trying to sell an injury that could of been interpreted as a kick to the groin even though it clearly missed. Adams merely flopped to try to get his team to rally around his allegedly swollen and injured genitalia. And the sad part is it worked. The turning point of this series starts and ends at Steven Adams scrotum, and this jump-ball was just a tip-off.



Also FYI theres no doubt in my mind that Ronnie Lott would of cut his balls off to stay out there with his teammates.



On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Commissioner Roger Goodell


Congress just released a 90 page report on the NFLs clandestine efforts to influence sciencists at the National Institute of Health as they were studying the effects of concussions. Doesn’t our government have anything better to do than to investigate billion dollar corporations trying to corrupt important scientific research into how its high profile employees brains are falling apart? Maybe if Junior Seau had been a ambassador to Lybia, Congress would of felt better about ignoring this whole controversy.

I personally find it hard to believe that someone whose father was a Congressperson would ever think the rules didn’t to apply to him while reaping the benfits of people who were actually drafted, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m resolutely on #TeamGoodell here.

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Grit week is here which is why this is going to be a abbrevated MMBM. We’re on the road conducting intervews and eating chicken wings all throughout the rust belt. Last night we had Richie Incognito on the bus on the eve of OTAs and let me just say this guy hates kickers more than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. This afternoon we’re going to be visiting with some incredble people around the city of Buffalo, then tonight we’re going to Cleveland to throw rocks at each other next to a bridge while the Cavs lose to get the traditional experence.

Tuesday will be a swing through Youngstown interviewing Jim Tressel about grit, then on to Grittsbugh, PA before swinging back through the Rust Belt to Wincinnati and Indy. Follow us on the Pardon My Take account for all the intervews and debauchery and Grit.

2. The Barack Obama of the week is this Louisana State Senator who stuck his nose in my business by proposing a law limiting the weight of nude dancers at state strip clubs. FACT: the invisible hand of the market has never gotten anyone kicked out for groping.

3. Taylor Lewan had the shortest retirement since Joe Paterno last week, tweeting this and then quickly deleting it:


4. This is a hell of a take:


5. Patrick Willis is now the VP of partnerships for a Silicon Valley company which I can see as being a great fit until he leads his project to market only to have VP of Marketing Colin Kapernick screw it up with a awkward release.

6.  Christian McCaffrey is “irked” by all the white stereotyping that goes on out there like “he’s sneaky athletic” and getting recruted to play traditionally “white” positions like head coach or team executive.

7. I love Horse Racing. People forget that Horse Racing, Boxing, and Baseball use to be the biggest sports in America. The best part of it is when a horse dies on the track. That’s the way I want to go out, halfway through a blog giving myself a aneurism due to an exceptionally strong take. Euthanizing a horse on the track is the ultimate example of relegation in sports.

8. Reader Jake attended Pitt and would like to share this wonderfull Steven Adams story about playng in the campus gym along with Adams and other varsity players who insisted on being on the same team:

We were playing around February/March. The Superbowl was a few weeks earlier. That was the year that the Ravens beat the 49ers. Anyway, Steve grabs a rebound with one hand throws a bullet pass the length of the court to Trey Ziegler who dunks it and Steve immediately screams in his accent “THATS SOME JOE FLACCO SHIT”.

9. Hasn’t changed a bit:


(h/t Russ Brown)

10. Stunning hypocrisy in rush to judgement in the latest Manziel hiccup:



11.  JJ Watt unveiled a brand new logo which in realty is just a symbol of the me-first attitude thats come to define todays athlete. The press release filtered through Darren Rovells discerning fingertips claimed that it was two letter J’s as reflective mirror images of themselves to match the Texans 2016 record. Say what you want about Bryan Hoyer but at least he played poorly enough to not feel entitled to creating a off-the-field distraction of unveiling his own private label.

Here’s a folloiwing list of people who invented their own symbols: Prince and Hitler. All of whose professonal careers took turns for the worst past the age of 30.

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

Maybe Cam should be more concern with his motor on the field than the one in his driveway. Why do you drive in a parkway, but won’t dive on a loose ball in the fourth quarter of the Superbowl?

Maybe instead of putting all sorts of money into a nice ride, maybe he could of bought a diamond and gotten himself a nice bride. Under marriage> under carriage

This weeks rating is: Not as much as our troops


69 of the week: Not every day you see someone who GAF while simultanously TAF. Get you a man that can do both

Runner up: very understated