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Make Game 7s Great Again

11-1. Eleven to fucking ONE. That was the combined score of the two game 7s in the Western Conference Playoffs over the past 2 days. The St. Louis Blues advanced to the WCF for the first time in 13 years or some shit like that after knocking off the Stars 6-1 and then the San Jose Sharks decided they’d actually show up these playoffs as well by murdering the Nashville Predators 5-0 last night. Two game 7s, two blowouts, two games that I was finding myself more interested in catching up with this season of “Veep” more than watching the 3rd period. (Veep is a great show just in case some of you are idiots and haven’t hooked onto it yet).

Listen. I’m not a hockey expert by any means. I’m merely just some idiot who hasn’t found a real job yet and has a laptop + internet connection. But I’m just gonna go ahead and say that maybe this isn’t the best strategy the Nashville Predators could have went with when trying to get themselves back into this game.

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It’s just a real kick in the balls because there was so much hype and anticipation leading into these two games after the Stars and Preds both staved off elimination in game 6 to force a 7th game in each series. Here’s what I had to say about it just 3 days ago; “The words “game” and “seven” don’t really mean too much on their own. But when you put them together, something beautiful happens. Something magical happens. Your heart starts to flutter and your penis starts to tingle. And thanks to the Nashville Predators and Dallas Stars last night, who were both facing elimination, we’ll get our fix of Game 7s in both Western Conference series.”

And what were we rewarded with? Two goaltending changes, Shea Weber doing everything possible to make sure that Tim Duncan didn’t have the most embarrassing night in sports last night, and Puck Guy and Puck Gal living to see another day.

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It’s bullshit, I tell ya. But I’m not one to get up here and bitch about everything without at least giving some ideas for a solution myself. So here are just a few ways that we can Make Game 7s Great Again.

1) Start every game 7 with a fight at center ice. Preferably a goalie fight but any fight will work. At least this means that the juices will be flowing early and there will be some entertainment value to the game. At the very least, we should allow 1 fight per game that isn’t penalized so teams can drop the gloves without the fear of losing one of their guys for 5 minutes.

2) Bettman should shutoff all the electricity in the arena if one team is getting blown out of the water. It almost worked when Goodell did it in Superbowl 47.

3) As soon as a team goes down by 4 goals, they should be given 5 minutes where every goal they score is worth 2. If they don’t score at all in those 5 minutes, it’s either game over or a running clock. Either way, let’s get that shit over with as soon as possible because the long painful death is tough to watch.

The good news about the Sharks advancing is that we have at least another week or so to see how long Joe Thornton and Brent Burns’ beards can grow. If they advance t the Stanley Cup Final, I think we may have a legitimate problem on our hands as their beards will be dragging on the ice.

Seriously though, Former Flyer Shea Weber was bruuuuuuutal last night.

@BartoolJordie