LA Restaurant Creates First Ever Water Menu Because The World Needed More Douchebags

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Martin Riese, the new water sommelier at Ray & Stark’s at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art

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(Source) Think first of drinking from your tap, then of drinking from the bubbler at the gym, then of accidentally taking a gulp of river water while swimming. Would “soft,” “snappy,” and “tangy” apply? Best pull out all of your best descriptors before visiting Ray’s and Stark Bar at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. The restaurant introduced its new water menu on Monday, Aug. 5, a menu that is overseen by water sommelier Martin Riese, an expert on all things damp (he in fact authored a book about water that was published in his native homeland, Germany).

So what’s on a water menu? Yep, H20 is the correct answer, but H20 in all of its different gluggable guises. A bottle of Saratoga, a sparkling water from the Adirondacks, is described as being more salty and bitter than sweet and smooth. Saint Geron, an eau from France, is on the sweeter side. Each of the twenty waters on the menu is listed by country and includes sodium, calcium, and magnesium counts, as well as that all important sweet/salty and smooth/complex scales.

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And there it is, the biggest douchebag in the world. No not Ray’s and Stark Bar, they’re just snaking it. You want to pour a dasani into a glass, tell everyone it dripped off an ancient Fjord in Norway and charge the world 50 dollars that’s cool by me. If I could sell snake oil I would be a snake oil salesman. No, the douchebag here is anyone who has at one time or will in the future order this Water Menu. Hipster asshole city. Like I hate people who say “There are dying kids in Africa” because you could literally use that for any story pertaining to opulence, but there are literally people dying everywhere because all they drink is diarrhea water from a well 10 miles away from their hut. Like that actually happens. So yeah, if you do this you should probably step into oncoming traffic. Free tip, Drink a beer like a normal person and stop being a dick about everything.

 

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I don’t understand people who don’t drink tap water. Tap water is how you build character, how you build an immune system. Brita and bottled water is for pussies. If I could I would walk to Lake Michigan every day and drink directly out of the lake like a dog. Cut out all middlemen.