Just like that, we have another season of The Challenge at our doorstep. It seems like a much quicker turnaround than in years past and I think that is because Bloodlines was probably the worst Challenge season of all-time. Which leads me to believe that MTV is trying to get the bad taste out of our mouths as quickly as possible. So for people watching the show and/or any other degenerates out there that partake in Challenge fantasy drafts like myself, here are my power rankings for this season’s teams.
13. Briana and Brandon
If you were on Are You The One, chances are I have no idea who you are and I want you eliminated from The Challenge as soon as possible. This is especially the case if you look boring as fuck in your picture. I’ve already talked about these two wayyyy too much. I hope they are the ones TJ said “Hope to see you never” to in the trailer. Just a murderous insult from the coolest guy on the planet.
12. Devin And Cheyenne
Fuck. Are. You. The. One. Howeverrrrrrr, this tip did get me excited about Devin’s potential.
Never discount a good stick man in a house likely filled with whiskey dicks.
11. Christina and Nate
For a group of maniacs that love to do nothing more than drink and fuck, there actually seems to be an unwritten rule against hooking up with someone that has a boyfriend or girlfriend at home that was a cast member on Real World or The Challenge. Honor amongst Challenge cast members must be like honor amongst thieves. And since Christina broke that unwritten rule with Tony last year, I feel like she will have a giant target on her back. That being said, I feel like Tony will definitely be going in for seconds within the first 20 minutes tonight.
10. Simone and Thomas
Basically everything I just said about Christina applies to Thomas, except he played Adult Rock Paper Scissors with a crazy person’s girlfriend. The fact Thomas isn’t dead yet is actually pretty impressive.
9. Nicole and Dario
This team is The Challenge equivalent of the saying “Million dollar arm, ten cent head”. But if I had to pick one team that would have both members hook up with each other, this would be my pick.
Also, Nicole being able to swap faces like Arya in Braavos seems like an unfair advantage.
8. Ashley and Cory
I don’t remember much about Ashley, but she looks hot, which obviously goes a lonnnnng way in the house. Cory hooked up with Diaper Breath multiple times last season to stick around, so he will clearly do ANYTHING for money, so you can never count him out I guess.
7. Jessica and Johnny
Jessica is in my Top 10 least favorite Real World cast members ever. Just has a face that is so easy to hate and used to bring guys back from the bar and make them sleep on the couch because of a rule she had. That’s like the kids that used to keep their toys in the boxes. The worst.
However, I have been a Johnny fan because him and Averey were like a super horny version of Julie Taylor and Matt Saracen during their Real World season. I believe that Johnny can use his dick to get this team into some good alliances, but Jessica’s uncanny unlikability will be the downfall of this squad.
6. Nany and Wes
Wes goes from legitimate competitor with political savvy to annoying afterthought based on the size of his arms. He is basically the Brady Anderson of The Challenge. So by the looks of that picture, 6 may even be a little high for this team, especially since Nany is always good for a mental breakdown or 12.
Pro Tip: If Nany is drinking a glass of wine bigger than her head, shit is about to pop off.
5. Averey and Leroy
I think this is the last season that we give Leroy the benefit of the doubt. I mean he is still one of the most likable guys The Challenge has ever seen. But we always think this is the season he will turn it around and then feel disappointed when it’s all over. He is like a black, happy version of Jay Cutler. Averey is a dime but goes crazy whenever Johnny starts slinging that dick, which could be a real weakness since I see him doing that a lot this season.
4. KellyAnne and Jamie
Jamie is batting 1.000 on Challenges and KellyAnne can transform into a smoke if she decides to wear makeup that day. I guess that makes this team the closest thing to a darkhorse we have this season.
3. Camilla and Tony
Clearly the favorite to be the most entertaining team. Tony has never seen a blonde he didn’t want to kiss and Camilla meltdowns are always a Top 5 moment of any given season. And the amount of stuff Tony has been able to do since becoming a Real Worlder is nothing short of amazing.
Also, these are actually the odds from Vegas.
And just in case the head of MTV is reading this, if you leave Shane off of another Challenge, I will hunt you and your family down Liam Neeson style.
2. Jenna and Vince
America became smitten with Jenna after last season’s Cinderella run to the finals. Now she faces her greatest challenge of trying to carry #VinceFail to the finals while also making him likable. But based on whatever dumb luck she has plus Bananas looking out for his cousin, I think this team is a lock to finish in the top 3.
1. Johnny Bananas and Sarah
This is your 2014-15 Kentucky Wildcats. The politics and strength of The Cerebral Assassin AKA Johnny Bananas + The brain and puzzle-solving ability of Sarah. Everything is there. But just like that Kentucky team, everyone will be gunning for them and they can be beat.
Also, if you want to hear more discussion about this season, Big Cat, Connor, and myself have fired up the No Quitters Podcast again. And just like last year, we will be recording the podcast right after each episode is over every Wednesday night. So Happy Challenge Day to all and to all a good night!