Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
Chris Christie had it right. Laremy Tunsil should be arrested for his draft day “hacking” incident. I put that in quotes because we don’t know for sure if Laremy tweeted that video himself as perhaps a shrewd ploy to try and get the Bengals to trade up for him, or if someone really broke into his accounts. Or maybe he leaked the gas mask footage because he would knew it would overshadow the fact he was extorting money from Old Miss to pay for his mothers astronomical $300 electricty bill- which in itself could be a sure sign she is running a massive grow-operation out of her home. The way I see it, he should either be under investgation for aiding and abetting known terrorists such as ISIS and the Sinaloa Cartel by financing them through illicit narcotics purchases, or Hugh Freeze is the drug kingpin of Mississippi built on the backs of forcing his recuits parents to cultivate pot in exchange for scholarships. Regardless, it was the most incriminating video of a draft pick to come out this year besides all of Christian Hackenburg’s game tape.
Aside from the fact that it was impossible to prove what he was smoking and the fact that the statue of limitations for smoking weed in Mississippi is expired, and the fact that Chris Christie doesn’t have the power or the authority, or even really a job anymore I don’t think, it should be a open and shut case. Tunsil’s video was a attack on the American people and our children by implying to them that it’s ok to smoke drugs. If we have a generation growing up under the impression that the only “consequence” to breaking federal marjuana law is that you get to move to Miami instead of Baltimore, kids are going to be hotboxing their own football helmets during practice once two-a-days start.
How do we explain to our youths that the big man on TV who is supposed to be a hero not only is smoking a hallucinogen, but is also disrepsecting the troops by using military equipment in a manner inconsistant with its labeling? Tunsil is not only guilty of breaking federal drug laws but also of stealing valor. Also, you can’t help but notice certain similarities between Tunsil and perhaps the only organization that thinks more highly of itself than the SEC:
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: The NFL Draft Industrial Complex
Massive shout-out to Oikos, Verizon, Pepsi, mountain dew, Bud light, Xfinity, Mariott, Skittles, Hyundai, McDonalds, Visa, Microsoft, Papa Johns, Nike, Old Spice, Head and shoulders, Tide, and Wilson. There has never been a bigger conglomerate of brands simultaneously activating in one place outside of Darren Rovells business plan for “Tinder for Corporations. ” I would literaly walk into a tent thinking I was going to get to see something ool like a locker filled with Skittles and instead it was just a Verizon store where every tablet could only be used to watch James Spaders “The Blacklist.” It was bizarre. Free idea to Morgan Spurlock-You could literally use nothing but products from key NFL sponsors for a entire year and it would probably be the most amazing 12 months of your life as long as you didn’t mind getting scurvy and really loved caffeine and alcohol and didn’t have any friends.
One big branding blunder though, how did Coke not get the naming rights to the Johnny Manzeil #PepsiNFLHelmet
Loser of the week: ESPN
They wore blankets beacause they couldn’t handle “Bear Weather”. They didn’t make a single “Willie Beavers” joke probably because they weren’t prepared to get the tone set all over them by Rap Sheet, Mayock, and the entire city of Chicago. They were literaly in Hyundai selection square shivering under the table like nancys. Unlike some other people I know.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Ezekial Elliot may of set a worse example for youngsters than Laremy Tuncil by getting caught having sex after the draft. LOVE the apologists out there saying that it was messed up for that woman to take a picture of him passed out after sex. Did you see the shirt he was wearing? Total slut. He was asking for her to take unauthorised photos of him. You dont show up to the biggest job interview of your life wearing some skanky midriff and expect to go home a good Christian- it was literally hard to stomach.
If you give me the choice between a player whose obsessed with getting stoned and one with getting boned, I’m taking the pothead over the horn dog. I call him Easy-kial Elliot because he’s just out here whoring it up like a common tramp and thinking all about his next lay instead of his next play. Have to wonder if in the second half against Michigan State he was more concern with wrapping up the Trojans than the Spartans folks.
2. Jimmy Haslam not wearing socks in the Browns war room is nowhere near the stinkiest move he’s made on draft day but its close.
3. Willie Beavers got drafted by the Vikings and needs to wear number 69. Please tweet at him telling him that a man whose name means “penis vagina” needs to be wearing number 69 like I need air to breathe.
4. I legitimately think its time to ban kids from using social media, people are just way too immauture to handle it. Case in point Elliott and Tunsil. In all seriousness, it’s more harmful to people’s well being than cigarettes. I would literaly rather my future daughter smoke 2 packs a day than have access to a snapchat account that’s a fact.
5. Just a absolutely beautiful take here from Joseph Klatt of Big Bend, WI:
6. Why do we celeberate Riley Curry but shame Adam Laroche? Curry and the rest of the Social Justice Warriors are obsessed with forcing Americans to open up locker rooms to children of the other sex so much that we won’t even allow boys to use mens locker rooms anymore. Very sad.
7. Beginning to think that hiring Barry Odom was just a shrewd manuver by professor Melissa Click to ensure that the media will have no interest in covering anything the Mizzou Football team does this year.
8. Fan of the week is this Jaguars fan obvously. We’re starting to see a number of Jags bandwagoners come out the woodwork but I’ve been #JagginOff for quite some time and for the 3rd year in a row they are my sleeper pick to make some noise int he AFC south. Mostly because they have without a doubt the best fanbase in the NFL with the possble exception of the Buffalo Bills. Jags fans are basically Bills fans who hit one small-time lottery, thought they’d move to Ft. Lauderdale, but ran out of money in Daytona.
9. We talk alot about draft grades but I’ve noticed a serious serious downturn in the strength of takes over the past couple years, mostly because people are afraid to be wrong. So Id just like to take some time and point out the strongest NFL draft grade of all time:
10. I give the Miami Dolphins a “F” so far on their hiring of Adam Gase who it appears is the 360 degree opposite of Interim Coach/Bitchin Uncle Dan Campbell:
The Miami Dolphins will have their eight draft picks and 10 undrafted free agents in town beginning Thursday, and rookie minicamp will go from Friday to Sunday. And the rookies will not touch the field at the team’s training facility once during those three days.
No pads. No helmets.
No practice during minicamp.
Instead, Gase will be teaching the draft picks about nutrition and how to handle the media. While I’m sure Laremy Tuncil could use a couple lessons in how to shop for food that doesnt come in a aerosol can as well as pro-tips for resetting social media passwords, football is played on the football field people forget that. You don’t go from Dan Campbell installing blocking sleds in front of the urinals to a guy who puts more importance on the classroom than the assroom (locker room talk for the locker room).
11. Started Andrew Lucks book club this week with the first installaton called “The Boys In the Boat” and its already a page turner. Luck knows that in order to draw in a audience you’ve got to grab your reader from the start, so within the first 30 pages of Boys In The Boat we’ve already got houses burning down, incest-by-marriage, and a whole lot of Hitler talk. Really looking forward to having Luck come on Pardon My Take to talk about these books and also why he throws so many interceptons.
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
Kind of funny that Carolina didn’t try to draft any new recevers for Newton, almost like they knew that selecting downfield playmakers for Cam is like installing shag carpeting when you just bought a puppy. Instead, the Panthers loaded up on defensive backs to fill the Josh Norman hole in the seconday, but given the old coaches saying that “a CB is just a WR who can’t catch” you would of thought they would recognize a natural position switch for Ted Ginn.
In the most shocking news of the offseason, present-day Cam Newton could teach post-superbowl Cam Newton a thing or two about how to lose with class. He finally took his foot out of his mouth after taking three months to cool down and apologized to me personally for the way he treated the press after his loss to the Broncos. Still not 100% convinced this new apologetic stance isnt some sort of contrived Kimmel hoax, or viral add for Rosetta Stones “Learn how to address the media with repsect in 90 days” so I will wait until all the facts come out to forgive him. But credit where credit is due- this week he proved that he should be paid barely less money than a suspended Tom Brady.
This weeks rating is: Not as much as Tom Brady
The bottom line is that while Cam is beginning to show signs of maturity its probably too much to ask for that he apologizes for wearing that damn hoodie all the time. Hope I’m wrong.
69 of the week: Fantastic use of negative space on this jersey