Eli Apple's Mom Is Already Putting Up Highlight-Reel Tweets

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God I love Annie Apple. My stupid fan mind was so dialed in on the Giants drafting a player that could help the Giants like Laremy Tunsil, I didn’t even use my career mind hoping for someone that could be blogging gold. And that’s what Annie Apple is. Because make no mistake about it, someone that dubs her own son Black Eli Manning the night of the draft bumps up the Giants draft a full letter grade in my book. Easily the most ridiculous nickname in the history of the world. Add in saying that she wouldn’t cry when Eli got drafted because “Kobe didn’t cry during his last game” and then this gem:

has her on my Current Athlete’s Moms Mount Rushmore (along with Mama Curry and Mama Conforto for very different reasons. Not sure who’s the fourth yet). Jerry Reese probably passed on Tunsil because of the “character concerns” that come with smoking weed in college and getting his phone hacked. Which means Reese probably has piss dripping down his leg as he thinks about what Annie will tweet during a big game against some of the Twitter Eggs from other NFC East teams. Eli Apple may have grown up a dirty Eagles fan, but I welcome him and his mom to the Big Blue family with open arms.

As for the actual tweet, Annie need not worry. Those thirsty girls are more than ready for her son and all of the other NFL rookies. I’ve only seen pro hoes in person once at the 2010 ESPN NFL Draft party and those girls appear to be from another planet. Everything is in the perfect spot. Just watch an episode of Ballers and try not to cum your pants. Now imagine them filling your DMs with poses that would make a pornstar blush.

And Jesus isn’t going to quench those girls’ thirst. But a bunch of new millionaires will the minute they slide in those DMs. There aren’t enough rookie symposiums that could prepare them for girls looking for an NFL player. It’s like the opposite of when the new freshman class arrives for their first day at college. The chum has been tossed into the shark-infested water. We all know what will happen next. Those thirst traps will be dick breaking and money making.

This is definitely the face/tweet of a guy that knows he can’t stop his mom from saying what she thinks but also knows he doesn’t have “any life skills” to live without her until that first truckload of Mara money goes into his bank account.

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