A McDonald's In Missouri Will Be Offering All-You-Can-Eat Fries. May God Help Us All
CBS- McDonald’s is about to test a new-fangled business model in St. Joseph’s, MO, with an eyebrow-raising feature – all-you-can-eat fries. In an effort to speed up service, customers will be able to place their order at a kiosk and orders will be brought to the customer’s table. Franchise owner Chris Habiger said the restaurant will offer hundreds of customizable burger and dessert choices. The new kiosk system means this McDonald’s won’t need as many cashiers, but Habiger said he plans to hire 85 people at the new location. As for the fry-for-all, the Wall Street Journal reported McDonald’s has removed all of its healthier wraps from its menus. The report added, “no one is going to McDonald’s to diet.”
Well folks, somebody has officially done it. They have taken fast food to the point of no return. And make no mistake about it, all you can eat french fries will be coming to a McDonald’s near you and I soon. You know why? Because this place is going to make BANK. Unleashing all you can eat McDonald’s fries is almost unfair. Mickey D’s fries make heroin addictions seem tame. They had to kill the Super Size menu because people couldn’t be trusted with it. If you are a non-McDonald’s fast food franchise owner in St. Joseph’s, you might as well board up the doors to your restaurant and head west on the Oregon Trail. Because your business is about to get its neck slit quick.
And I know that I am already fucked. I can’t even drive past a McDonald’s without breaking out into hives when some promotional item like the Shamrock Shake is out. How am I going to handle all you can eat McDonald’s fries AKA the greatest fast food item of all-time? McDonald’s french fries only weakness is temperature. They go from being the greatest food on the planet to completely inedible once they hit that cold, limp dick stage. But until then, pure bliss. This is a classic case of something that is great in theory but an absolute disaster if it actually happens. Like if McDonald’s had the Monopoly game going all year, I would 100% be dead by now. If you have ever seen what I look like, you know I’m not the beacon for good health or dieting as it is. But the Monopoly game at McDonald’s is the best, most American thing on the planet this side of Uncle Sam. I wouldn’t even trust myself with that, let alone all you can eat fries.
Which means the only chance I have to survive is if future me is able to create a time machine and kill this franchise owner when he was a baby. Or I guess literally any time before he settles on the “all you can eat fries” idea. But killing him as a baby would be more dramatic. Or I could just portion myself and not be an asshole. Whatever. Shit, this blog has taken a dark turn. I apologize.
Anyway, this guy’s two other ideas can kick rocks. Nobody in their right mind wants to customize their McDonald’s burger. If you want a good burger, you go to Wendy’s or Five Guys or something. And Mickey D’s desserts are good, but again don’t need customization. The milkshakes are perfect just the way they are, the hot fudge sundae is criminally underrated if you need a little dash of sweetness in your day, and the apple pies have been a staple at McDonald’s forever. I mean I’ve never had one, but I don’t let anything resembling a fruit or vegetable touch my lips when I’m at McDonald’s. But you probably already knew that.
And since I kept talking about how McDonald’s fries are the GOAT, here are my Top 10 fast food items (from the Big 5 which are McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and KFC since there are only so many fast food restaurants that people have tried around this great nation of ours):
1. McDonald’s French Fries
2. Wendy’s Double Cheeseburger
3. Taco Bell Chalupa
4. Doritos Locos Taco
5. McDonald’s Chicken Selects
6. Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets
7. Wendy’s Spicy Chicken
8. McDonald’s Chicken Nuggets (needs to have Sweet & Sour sauce to make the Top 5)
9. McDonald’s Vanilla Milkshake
10. KFC Famous Bowl
The Whopper and Big Mac are both off the list because I don’t like a bunch of shit on my burger. Cheese, ketchup, and a bun works just fine and Dave Thomas (RIP) perfected that shit. I alternated on McDonald’s and Wendy’s nuggets forever, but in the end I had to go with Wendy’s. McDonald’s are too up and down for my liking. Plus I can never get the pink slime picture out of my mind (don’t ever Google that if you like McDonald’s nuggets by the way). And even though it didn’t make the list, the Burger King Rodeo Burger is the most underrated $1 menu item in the game right now.
Update:
And shout out to the people of St. Joseph’s trying to make a real difference in this crazy world of ours.