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Good News, A Top Space Scientist Predicts That A Newly Discovered Planet Will Destroy Earth Any Day Now

(Source)A mysterious planet that wiped out life on Earth millions of years ago could do it again, according to a top space scientist. And some believe the apocalyptic event could happen as early as this month. Planet Nine — a new planet discovered at the edge of the solar system in January — has triggered comet showers that bomb the Earth’s surface, killing all life, says Daniel Whitmire, of the University of Louisiana. The astrophysicist says the planet has a 20,000-year orbit around the sun and, at its closest to us, it knocks asteroids and comets toward Earth. Fossil evidence has suggested most life on Earth is mysteriously wiped out every 26 million to 27 million years. Whitmire claims Planet Nine’s passage through a rock-laden area called the Kuiper Belt is responsible for the “extinction events.”

Let’s go, Planet Nine! I’m like that crazy stripper chick in Independence Day right now, cheering on the end. I’m Biggie, baby, I’m ready to die. Don’t scramble the oil drillers to save the world, just let this bitch go. Earth and I are basically in a shitty relationship and I’m just too scared to finally rip the band-aid off and break-up, so I need someone to do it for me. Planet Nine seems like the perfect fit. The Bruins are going to miss the playoffs, Trump or Hillary Clinton are going to be president, college is now a “safe space,” Kanye, Drake, and Jay-Z put out a track that stinks, Batman v Superman was horrible, I had to shovel on April 5th, I’m fat and don’t really feel like putting in the effort to get back in shape, Friday Night Lights is never coming back, etc., etc.

If you did a pros and cons list about staying alive the con side would be about ten times longer. It’s almost summer? Well you have bills. Want to see who wins The Masters? More bills. Want kids one day? So many fucking bills. Just the different forms or bills, work days, and social media updates from exes you have to deal with for the rest of your life easily trump anything you want to see in the future.

So let’s do this shit, end of the world. I feel fine.