How Donald Trump tricked America into looking up naked pictures of his wife

Just when you thought things were getting stale in this election, the nudes are starting to leak. Here’s a “promoted meme” that ran on Facebook that precisely no one outside of Utah saw until last night:

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It was made by a PAC called “Make America Awesome”, which, if we’re doing “Things to make America” power rankings would fall in line like this:

1. Great

2. Awsome

3. Politically literate

Like I said, this was not done by Ted Cruz, nor was anyone really aware of it happening. But Donald Trump saw a opportunity for himself and he knew he was going to make the most of it. Heres how he repsonded:

Setting aside the fact that he’s kind of issuing a insane sounding threat to the wife of his competitor for the Presidency of these United States for a second- this was a master-class in media judo. The key to it all is the fact that hes pretending to be mad about the fact that America has seen his wife nude.

Trump is not a idiot. He’s a lot of things, but if he’s demonstrated anything at all in his life up to this point its that you simply cant embarass the man. If you thought he was mad that someone else drew attention to the fact that his current wife looks like a million bucks naked, you must of been watching the wrong election. But he knew that he had to be delicate in his repsonse here without coming off as too braggy. Its not like advocating war crimes or talking about his dick on national television- telling America to go look up pictures of his wife naked would be Unpresidental and could cost him votes. If your running for President, you cant buy out TV ads and slam pictures of your naked wife (who’s a model by the way) all over it. But you absolutely CAN condemn your opponent for using a nude, and at the same time brainwash America into looking it up. In this case he got on twitter and said “How dare you show hot naked pictures of my model wife from her keyword-search Trump, wife, GQ, eggplant-emoji, photoshoot. Whatever you do please dont look them up, it would be so embarassing for America to associate her ridiculous beauty with my strength as a leader. Also Ted Cruzs wifes a slut. I wont say it. Others have. But I wont. Unless you make me.”

So what did America do? We ran to our computers and looked at the picture. Then the logical next step was wondering if Trump was insinuating that Heidi had embarassing pics too- so what America did was google “Heidi Cruz pics”:

Screen shot 2016-03-23 at 1.51.23 PM

And by that time we was all horned up from seeing Melania, followed by disappontment from not finding any salacious pics of Heidi, and you kind of file the extortion part of Trumps tweet in the “water-under-the-bridge” catagory.

Game, set, match, Trump.

Last Nights Winners

Donald Trump

Sure he was the villain for alot of folks in the whole wife-blackmail-gate exchange. But in a broader sense, Trump has done a great job making enemies and by doing so, giving his own supporters more people to hate. As a internet commenter I’m not so much a fan of Donald Trump as I am a fan of how mad he makes people who dislike him him. Alot of times in politics I dont know who I like but I do know who I hate and in this case its people who think there more informed than I am. Sure theres violence at many of his speeches, but people forget that your statistically 4 times as likely to get injured patting yourself on the back too hard at a Sanders rally than you are from getting beat up at a Trump one.

Trump also understands that hes bigger then this election, so he’s gotta leave us wanting more. Thats why he pulled out of the debates- just so he would force us to miss him and beg him to come back. Sure enough,things just werent the same when he wasnt around. Like the saying goes “If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you then it was either meant to be or the wall wasnt high enough.”

Another huge win this week for Trump came at the I Heart Israel Conference aka “AIPAC” when he spent a half hour speaking from a teleprompter in a effort to win people over who became racist after they voted for Obama, and capped his speech with a tremendous walk-off line of “Oh and by the way my daughters pregnant with a beautiful jewish baby.” Now I get that given his past, Trump might not understand that life begins at conception- but theres no way to tell if that kid is Jewish or not other than the fact that his mother takes a great interest in its life. But still, no other candidate can play the “Some of my best grandchildren are Jewish” card and you can bet that for a split second Hillary wished that Bill had gotten past 3rd base with Monica.

Marco Rubio

Triumphent return for Maro Rubio, who saw massive voter support for his “Marco Rubio should not be President so I am dropping out of the race” policy- catapulting him to a much more less-distant third-place finish than expected.

John Kasich

I watched 3 hours of electon coverage last night and I swear to God I didnt hear his name one time. Cemented himself as the ultimate outsider which could help him against Cruz.

Hillary Clinton

Politics is a very weird thing. Someone who was secretary of state under Barack Obama- a Presdent whose been wildly criticized as “The Worst President in the history of American-Israeli relations” got a standing ovation at AIPAC. And so did Donald Trump. To be honest I’ve never understood how a Christan can show up in a room full of Jewsish people and be adored like they don’t sincerely believe that they’re all going to hell unless they convert. I mean Hillarys going to be the nominee unless she receives a endorsement from ISIS or gets arrested, which I’m told could happen at any second for the past 4 years. She’s the comfortable establishment choice for most democrats, since they’re still not quite sure what to make of Bernie’s newfangled policies of at least being consistant. If theres one thing I’ve learned its that life is just a cycle of people hating new things unless those new things either make you high, help you lose weight, or get you laid- and fortunately for her, Bernie only checks the first box.

Losers

Bernie Sanders

Berns been a big proponent of the old saying in politics that if you win two states in one night you didnt realy win one, but he might be turning around his strategy to a classic one of trying to win more states than his opponent now. Its the “plenty of fish” in the sea approach were instead of holding out for that one perfect delegate in Oregon, maybe its time to cast a wider net. But too little too late IMO.

Bernie’s biggest mistake was not being angrier this whole time. Calling to hang corrupt banker’s in the streets is a much better soundbyte instead of just saying we should arrest them and pass legislation that would prevent it happening in the future. Violence sells. Its why R-Rated “Deadpool” raked in probably billions while PG 13 “X-Men:Star-legion Titans of planets give me your money idiots” or whatever the hell barely even turned a 100% profit.

Ted Cruz

Real rough week for everyone’s favorite Canadate. First off Obama was basically peeing in his Dads backyard yetserday, then the NYPD told him to go buttfunnel a blowfish, and then to cap it all of, Donald Trump made a pretty nasty leading remark about his wife. Heidi Cruz could literally be an angel, and Ted Cruz would still sweating this one out because he knows there’s absolutely no end to the lengths Trump will go to just to be a dick. Trump might track down a picture of her doing something embarassing like wearing daisy dukes or marrying Ted Cruz, you never know. Irregardless of whether or not Trump has the goods on Heidi, Cruz botched the repsonse by calling for civility and taking the high road:

 

If Cruz plays it cool and repsonds with “When I heard there was a naked pic of your wife on a rug I just assumed she was sitting on your face” he wins every single remaning state by at least 70%. Instead, he let Trump get under his admittedly crevice-littered jowels and set up a campaign office there. Then he followed that up by lifting a quote from the American President. If you find yourself quoting Michael Douglass movies in a Presidential campaign something has gone horribly wrong.

Cruz has also absoluteley been getting crushed by Trump in the advisors game. For one, Cruz hired former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli who has the dubius distinction of being the only person to run for office under anti-sodomy agenda that would of literally banned blowjobs state-wide, which he obviously lost by a count of exactly 99.99%-to-Mrs-Cucinelli.

The one good idea Cruz had was making fun of Trump for living in the city of New York, but it got thrown off the rails when Trump reminded him that if you make fun of New Yorkers it literally means you think 9/11 was good. The “city boy” attacks can be salvaged, but you have to go all the way with it. Hire a full head of cattle to stand behind you at rallies and do a classic call in response of “Donald Trumps from New York City” “New York city?” These are all no-brainers.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, if Ted Cruz had just said “Lets get off the topic of wives because I just got off yours” this campaign is for all intensive purposes, over.

Like it or not we live in a country where the two words that will inspire people to do the most politcal research are “leaked nudes.” Throw this in to the fact that he bases some of his foreign policy around stories that have 200k facebook shares from websites like newsreader44GETMAD.net and Donald Trump actually understands the internet in 2016 at a much more advanced rate then any other canidate.