Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.
I’ve never touched a third rail before in my life, two’s usually good enough for me- but I imagine it feels alot like accidentally clicking on the “moments” tab on twitter. That being said, I have something I need to get off my chest regarding a very clear and present danger to one of our nations finest instutions of news, and entertainment: Women simply are too reactive, crazy and unpredictable fufill the requirements of literally being a AM sports talk radio host. Sorry, not sorry.
A little background context here- Dino Costa is a talk show host based out of St. Louis- the greatest sports town in the entire United States. Hes the type guy who was extremely unemployed for having too many opinions that were either very bad or possibly good depending on how many beers you’ve had, so in order to land a job, he wrote an open letter to sports talk programmers and put it on his website telling them why his show is probably going to be too edgy for them. Its actually very similar to the disclamer at the beginning of this column:
What you want is what you have always given to your audiences. Vanilla and stale, highly-predictable, non–compelling, low–brow, non–creative, been there and done that, sports radio, with an ingredient mix that never changes.
Then again why should it?
The average sports radio listener doesn’t need a lot to be impressed…even if I’ll admit this and you won’t – at least not publically. However, public or private, not many sports radio listeners are listed as members of the Mensa Society…and after being weened on the spoon–fed crap the industry has been doling out to them for 30 years, this is hardly surprising.
Anyhow, consider this page to be my public service announcement of sorts for you all, clearing up any misconceptions, just in case you were thinking about giving me a call.
Now that you have finished reading this, I’m positively certain that neither of us needs to worry about being by a phone anytime soon.
Its a brilliant strategy to neg his boss AND customers before he’s even been hired in the first place, and it landed him a gig talking sports on the radio in the state of Missouri, and man do I wish he had been around for the Mizzou protests.
But after a almost 3-week tenure at his new job of not saying anything super inflammatory enough to get fired, the PC police are down his throat in a tizzy over what I thought was a fairly benign take on why he doesnt think women should be allowed to do his job:
First of all, I’m 99% team Dino but let me just say that the fact that he’s acknowledging women in sports radio is just giving them the attenton that they desperately want when they troll us men by using their voices and education to get jobs in journalism. Why give them all that power to make us feel bad? He should just ignore them instead of calling a bunch of attention to himself since hes apparently a big fan of drama and playing the victim.
I also think alot of people who are upset with Dino’s stance clearly read this tween out of context. He clearly said its not sexism so I guess there are alot of people who dont comprehend what “no sexism” means. It means that he didnt mean “women have no place in the world of legitimate sports talk radio” in a sexist way. Not sexist, but heres a quick harmless joke: Whats the diffrence between a woman that your in love with and a hockey game? You only pay attention to the woman in-between periods. See? good clean fun and we all go home as friends.
Once you get past your own stupidity, its easy to see that Dino makes a good point. There is no place in the rational, nuanced field of literally sports talk radio for a gender that has a tendency to be so emotional and illogical. You need a cool, steady hand running the ship- someone whose capable of offering to pay his listeners $1000 to injure Devonta Freeman, or speculating that a just-mortally wounded Sean Taylor was shot because of a gang affiliation without getting all psycho and clingy about it on the air. AM Sports Talk radio is a bastion of integrity where only the coolest heads prevail when it comes to mocking a former opponent who is suffering from ALS or saying that all Dominican baseball players are dumb. You cant expect a woman to be able to do those types of things any more than you would expect a man to be able to act professonally around a female reporter when he was naked 5 minutes ago. In My Opinion, the only place for a woman in sports is her being impressed with how much more I know about it then she does. Sorry, but its true.
Its not sexist- its just a fact that since I probably played more football than a female, I know more about what the score of the game was than they do. Plus, how can we expect women to be smarter then me at talking about a sport that men didnt give them the chance to compete in as a child? The sad fact is that I’m more knowledgable about football than a woman because in theory, I could of played in the NFL. Likewise, men know that biologically we will never become pregnant, so we dont go around telling women what laws should be enacted regarding child birth and their reporductive health- goes both ways.
But there’s one great thing that came out of all this outrage- it gave me a great idea for Pardon My Take. “Man Card Mondays” where we take a guys man card if they act alot like a chick during watching sports.
Possible examples for losing your man card are if you:
-Order a microbrew
-take longer to start peeing than I do when we stand at adjacent urinals
-Tell me maybe I shouldnt be driving
#ManCardMondays. Dont miss em.
On to the awards:
Road Grader of the Week: Twitter dot com
Twitter turns 10 years old this week and if I know anything about parenting thats the exact age when you start to realize its going to be a huge dissapointment.
I own stock in twitter because Im a idiot but if this video dosen’t cause its price to skyrocket then frankly I think we’re all out of ideas:
“How is your life going?” pic.twitter.com/0XG6bs9c8E
— Lexi Cornelius (@lexiannc6) March 19, 2016
Low man wins.
10 Things I Know I Know
1. Mina Kimes of ESPN wrote a interesting article about Drew Brees strong relationship with Advocare- a multi-level marketing company that has been accused of operating as a pyrimid scheme. Its irresponsible journlism at its finest and pretty much what we’ve come to expect from ESPN these days. As someone who’s basically made his career moving around from one pyramid scheme to another it is a direct threat to my residual sales I would still have coming in if I had recruited any downstream reps, and given my recent legal wins over the WorldWide Leader, the last thing they want is another cease and desist letter.
There are a number of flaws in the article- number 1: If Drew Brees was really involved in a direct-sales scheme wouldnt he choose Cutco over Advocare? New Orleans is basically the hottest market in the world besides east Juarez for a knife salesman. If you want to sell makeup, open a Mary Kay channel in New Jersey, if you want to sell bullshit herbal remedies that dont work move next door to Kristan Cavellari. Disappointed that ESPN couldn’t see this disconnect here.
Number 2: Kimes never thinks to address the fact that President Obama screwed up the repsone to Hurricane Katrina so badly that it makes the New Orleans market a breeding ground for MLM companies. Throw into the equation a bit of Obamacare which puts millions of these independent small-business-owners technically on the hook for health insurance from all of their non-existant employees and you’ve got yourself a recipe for disaster. Also- methinks the lady doth protest too much when we take a look at ESPNs business model shall we? 2. The war on internet comments continues. They Poynter insitute- a company that sounds like it should be more concern with breeding dogs and less concerned with reading blogs, cam up with a bunch of answers to questions I never asked about how to improve comment sections across America. Some of the ideas they came up with were charging readers $5 to comment which is quite frankly, the poll tax of our modern society. Another idea they had was to think of comment sections like trashy neighborhoods, and that if readers see shitty comments, there more likely to leave their own bad take. Simple solution here- pay more people as professional commenters (like me) to have the first couple comments ready to go before the article even goes up. Pretty crazy how Barstool Sports is more progressive then a website that ends in .org when it comes to fair compensation. Most people these days just read the web for the comments anyways, and we’ve been underpaid for years. In fact when you think about it, comment sectons are the new plantation and internet commenters are technically more slave labor than the NCAA will ever be.
3. Just when I thought Common Core had completeley backfired, someone sends me a school essay like this:
It gives me hope for the future of America that we have still students with the foresight and creativty to get a bad grade as a joke.
4. Shout out to former Backstreets Boy and huge Dallas Maverick fan Nick Carter, whose smash-hit “Show me the meaning of being lonely” hit #1 on the Billboard pop charts 18 years ago this week.
(h/t Tim Sievers)
5. Huge coaching blunder by UNI at the end of the second half verse Texas A&M. You’re up by 12 points with like 40 seconds left, and you turn the ball over twice because your starters cant properly throw the ball off their opponents legs. I saw it coming a mile away when UNI didn’t immedately substitute all of their scrubs into the game to ice it. Anyone whose ever played two seconds of basketball knows that your most talented players are probably the worst on the team in terms of being able to execute the play where they intentionally bounce it off the other teams foot, because they rarely get themselves into that situation to begin with.
Thats why UNI’s coach should of put in his entire bench consisting of 6 small white guys who have way more experence in what to do when they’re trapped in the backcourt by more talented players. In that situation, the bench is basically your hands team where all you have to do is bounce it off your opponents leg and if the other team happens to get it, step in a take a charge. They might score 8, but they’re not going to score 12.
6. Commissioner Roger Goodell and the NFL have told the city of Atlanta that if Georgia passes their religious liberty bill, Atlanta wont’ be awarded a Superbowl at its new stadium. Massive shout-out to the League for taking a strong unequivocal stand that discrimnation by sexual orientation in Atlanta will not be tolerated unless it takes place at the NFL combine.
7. This woman got high and drunk by beer-bonging weed-beer and should be the next bachelorette. 8. College Basketball is simply a higher quality of product than the NBA. Why? Well first of all theres less dunking. Coach used to say “a dunk makes one player happy, but a assist makes two players happy.” Just something to think about. Also- 90% of players drafted into the NBA are college players so obvously the NBA wouldn’t be trying to replace its current players with ones that are worse.
9. RG3 and Colin Kapernick have drawn heavy interest in Cleveland this week, but I just dont see it in the Cards. The Browns front office Suits are Going Fishing and collecting a Straight Flush of QBs who care more about wearing Diamonds and going to Clubs than playing with their Hearts- and while they might be Bluffing, Cleveland isnt exactly the last place you’d expect to see catch fire on the River. These were all references to cards.
10. Robert Griffin is coming off a record-setting season as the only backup QB that Redskins fans haven’t wanted in the game since 1998,so you have to almost think he’s taking the interview just because of the proximty to the Cleveland Clinic. Like when Brian Cushing signed that extension in Houston to be close to MD Anderson in case his fake cancer scare ever came back. Now on the other hand Colin Kaepernick just got his head coach fired after less than a year, so you have to admit he fits the Browns scheme pretty well.
11. Here is your internet comment of the week:
How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?
I guess having a full-time job with the Carolina Panthers isnt enough to make ends meet since Cam spent the week moonlighting as a coach to high school athletes. Newton was working out with high school football players including his younger brother whose literally named “Caylin,” which I was going to make fun of, but then I realized it could be a “Boy Named Sue” type situation given how much his dad loves Cash.
Does anyone else find it odd that Cams choosing to spend his spring break hanging out with a bunch of 16 and 17 year olds and giving them gifts? Donald Trump would tell you that this is a psychological technique known as “grooming” and that it is the behavor of a sociopath/child molestor. Add in the fact that Newton has a history of giving small children presents after touchdowns, traveling to different elementary schools asking kids to sit on his lap at Christmastime, and lets not forget about the time when police raided his house and he attempted to destroy his hard drive by throwing it out of a window. I think we’re beginning to get a more accurate vision of Newtons psyche.
This weeks rating is: Refund the Fans
69 of the week: