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MMBM: Peyton Manning retires as the G.O.A.T.

Note: TL;DR.

Wellcome to the Monday Morning BM, just a word of warning your probably not prepared to handle the strong football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that you never knew your Mondays were missing. This column is written for and by a REAL fan of the NFL. Its designed to be read on your Monday Morning commode break after a long Sunday eating bad-for-you food and drinking beers. If you care more about SPELLING then you do about TELLING theres the door because this columns not for you.

Goodbye to Peyton Manning, the greatest QB to ever play the game. The final stats are in, and they read:

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Manning always did more with less. Even compared to his contemporary rival, Brady, Manning always shone brighter. Never had a domnant defense like the 2001 Patriots. Had worse options at RB, and inferior coaches. Heck, even Mannings most prolific murderer teammate was only 1/3rd of the criminal that Brady’s was. And while Brady had to trick his body into thinking it was healthy by not eating tomatos or sugar, Peyton invested money in a company that uses those and only those two ingredents to make there marinara sauce. Never had a cheating scandal, or allegatons of sexual impropriety rock his world like Brady did. Peyton dominated Brady in every single statistic category that mattered, but he never got a big head about it. Tom had the better ingredients, but Manning made the better pizza.

All the Brady fanboys will read this and say that Manning is a wuss for not coming back to defend his title. But when you think about it, isnt marrying a Supermodel is the ultmate example of retiring on top?  Better make sure your own house is in order before you knock on my door. And allthough Peyton quitting the game after winning a Superbowl is a major chickenshit move- like having one of your grandparents die right in the middle of a game of Risk, he also did it to minimize distractions for his team moving forward. People forget that Mannings under investgation for HGH, and his retirement artfully mirrors former Chesapeake Energy CEOs Aubrey McClendon gracefully parking hs SUV into a bridge in order to let the healing of there stock prices begin. And folks I’m bullish on Brock Osweiler.

The fact is, no player has walked away from the game with as much class as Manning exuded in his retirement speech. When Brady quits, he’s probably just going to put up a facebook meme and send a team over to Julian Edelmans house to cut down any beam thats capable of supporting a noose. Mannings address stand’s in stark comparson with the verbal jousting going on in the GOP primaries, and the “give everything away for free” socalism taking place from the dems. If theres a brokered conventon come July, its no coincidence that Peyton will have just cleared the next 4 years off his calendar and would make a instant VP contender .

God bless football.

And God bless Peyton Manning

On to the awards:

Road Grader of the Week: Logan Mankins

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Lost in all the Peyton  retirment drama is the fact that iron-collar Logan Mankins Ol Yeller’d himself out of the league this morning under cover of the darkness of the shadow produced by Mannings giant dome. Logan will go down in NFL history for three things:

-Playing a entire season & full playoffs on a torn ACL & MCL

-Being the textbook example of how Bill Bellicheck know exactly when to release good players and watch them end there careers on bad teams

-The delicous Johnnycakes he serves out of his non-descript New England diner.

 

10 Things I Know I Know

1. Kam Chancellor had a rough go of it last week after getting the police called on him for looking like a heroin addict you read about who trys to break into a gym and steal all the exercise equipment or something. Of course Kam played the race card saying he was unfairly stereotyped, but maybe he was just being profiled as a guy who spends alot of his time outside the gym. I cant tell you the amount of times Ive driven past Golds at 3 AM and seen a guy in there and thought it was Danny Woodhead. Message to all the youngsters out there= can’t get arrested for breaking into a gym if you never leave it.

2. The Ivy League has band tackling in all of its schools football practices due to the fact that they want to save their players brains. In the spirit of fairness shouldnt Ivy League schools increase the amount of tackling during practices to kind of level the playing field against its less intelligent opponets? Those guys are allready smart enough as it is. I mean I could see like LSU or Arizona State implement a policy where there student athletes are only allowed to practice using Madden, but a for a school that has a abundance of brain activty to begin with to just start hoarding intelligence is unfair. If you cant learn how to play through a concussion during practice, how are you suppose to do it during a game?

3. We are so bad at negotiating now in our country that coaches just gave away the right to have tackling in football practices without getting anything in return. Its a terrble deal. Would of been the perfect time to say, ok you know what? We can limit tackling, but since your not going to be working as hard maybe we can elimnate water breaks too. Water seems to be the answer for everything these days? Thirsty? Have some water. Dehydrated? Have some water. At my program, you earn a sip of water for everytime you make a level-2 tackle or seperate the ball carrier from the pigskin. Giving everyone water breaks at the exact same rate & time is Americas version of a communist bread-line. Gotta get out there & earn it.

4. Ever wonder what it would of been like to watch Picasso paint, or Ron Jeremy and Aphrodite have sex with each other? Well this behind-the scenes video of Darren Rovell using Twitter to piss off a entire continent full of people with incredible effeciency is as close as you’ll ever get.

He invited a videographer into one of the many rooms in his house that he does not have sex in to document him copying and pasting tweets from Excel into Twitter during the Superbowl. Darrens the type of guy who cracks open a spreadsheet whenever he has to wipe his butt, so watching him navigate the choppy waters of social media is a thrill, to say the least. Rovells reactions to a tweet going viral is like one of those guys from a DraftKings commercal jumps up and claps when his opponets quarterback snaps his tibia. This is like Adam Archuletas workout video, the Pam & Tommy Lee sextape, and the Zapruder film all rolled into one.

5. The wussfication of America continues as day care workers in Woodbridge, VA have been found guilty of organizing toddler “Fight Clubs.”. This trend of overagressive PC prosecution began back in September when two NJ women were arressted for trying to toughen kids up at work by making them fight each other. I dont know about you but Id rather see my children brawl then bawl. Theres a old saying out there that “if your gonna be dumb you gotta be tough” so shouldn’t we be encouraging our nations toddlers , who are technically the dumbest human beings on the planet since they cant even read, write, or breakdown film, to be the best fighters?

6.  The New England Patriots will not win another Superbowl for at least 20 years because they are possibly the worst team in the NFL at signing Free agents. What your seeing happening to the New England Patriots is the rapid disintegration of a franchise due to there own hubris, and a series of mistakes.

Problem 1: Your team is basically constantly on the verge of being put on probation. After living the last 16 years as the 1980s SMU football, 1990s UNLV basketball, and 2004 Blackwater securty group all rolled into one giant chicken kiev of competitive dishonesty, there isn’t a free agent in his right mind that wants to sign up for the Pats. You named your team after terrorists well guess what? now you’ve gone and blown yourself up. If The Pats can even get a big name free agent like a Mario Williams to walk into Patriot Place, Roger Goodells going to have a note pinned to his backpack saying “Guess what- I just caught you for putting extra safety equipment inside your helmets so you’ve got to forfeit your entire next draft.” Not a situation anyone wants to be in on a new team.

Problem 2: New England fans are loudmouth undesirables no offense to Patriots fans. When youve got a stadium of diseased canaries making homemade bud light limes by dunking there camel crushes into half frozen $9 beers, your going to have a tough time convincing players to come join your brainwashed band of Belicheck-bots. Now I’ve never been to Boston but I have watched “The Fighter,” “The Town,” and “The Departed” in various stages of inebration and lets just say that the whole city is basically Syria with a baseball team. Basically if you want Boston fans to love you you have to either be born within some hastily drawn 8 city-block zone created by a drunk guy, or sign a oath pledging to donate a organ or ligament to Tom Brady in the event of a emergency.

Problem 3: Tom Brady is on the verge of collapse. You ever seen the Sarah McLaughlin pet adoption comercials where they have a dog thats so old he’s like chewing on his own eye and repeatedly mistaking the oven for a doggie door? Thats Tom Brady right now. A free agent could sign with the Pats and theyd probly be inseperable for 2 years but then after that hes going to be shitting in your above ground pool and sleeping in all the weird places he’s checking out to see where he wants to die eventually. Free Agent recevers want to come play with the young spry Brady, not the one whose so decripit that he’s losing AFC championship games to a QB with a forehead like a bull terrier

7. Robert Griffin is being released by Washington today just as I predicted 4 years ago, making the first time hes ever been cut without the use of anesthesa. Possble destinations include the CFL, the United States hurdling team, or youth pastor at your rich friends church, but I can definiteley report that no matter what he is going to land on his feet, if only because hes so inept at sliding.

Griffins absense leaves some cap room for Chris Long, who is making his visit to the team tomorrow. Could position the skins to have the leagues best Cousins on offense and half of the leagues best set of brothers on D. Opting to not put any more poor performances on film out in LA & instead become a DC leader is exactly what Ronald Reagan did 50 years ago and Long appears to be a student of history as well as of the game. If Long becomes a OLB he could be teamed up with Ryan Kerrigan and Troy Murphy to make “the Lunch-Bunch” the most bluecollar team Linebackers to ever grace a gridiron.See here’s the diffrence between new GM Scot McCloughans leadership and Vinny Cerratos- one would pay for a big White line that goes up the gut and stops the run, instead of one that goes up the nostrils and starts a nosebleed.

8. If your going to be in Austin this weekend come to my SXSW panel its going to be on online harrassment which should be extremeley interesting given that its not a problem at all ever. They also asked me to do a book sigining but the thing is Im not a name-on the back of the book jacket type guy, so Im going to have sheets of paper set up for you guys to autograph a cover sheet for me to keep so I can stay humble.

9. Incredbly astute move on the Colts part to not offer Peyton Manning a one-day contract for his reitrement. Manning would of spent that one day filling out tax forms, rolling over his 401k&  harassing training female staff which would of made for a huge HR timesuck when they could be doing other things like figuring out how to reinstate Paganos employment in a way that he wont ever know he was technicaly fired for a couple hours back in January.

10. Pay attenton because there is a witch hunt going on in Atlanta folks. Reports are running rampant that Marquand Manuel, one of the assistant coaches for the Falcons, apparently asked prospect Eli Apple if he “likes men” during the combine intervews, which is strictly against the NFL policy of leaking embarassing questons to the media. This is obvously just a smokescreen to make other teams think that they are homophobic so that if another team might be targeting a gay player they wont think the Falcons would trade up to get him. Apple needs to be blackballed for not keeping this information in house.

Also shows you what a hypocrit most people are for attacking the Falcons coach but applauding Obama’s FBI for asking if there was a backdoor option for getting into a Apple.

 

How much money should Cam Newton have made this week?

After the Panthers lost in the Superbowl, a middle school Panther fan named Kelsey showed up at there return to the team practice facility. She had a soccer participation trophy that she wanted to give to Cam as a consolaton prize for not winning as he got off the bus in a ceremony that would of made the “Good job, Good Effort” Miami heat kid look like a god damn hero in a Ayn Rand novel by comparison.

In a shocking twist, Newton refused to accept the individual accolade and instead, Cam sent her a goody bag filled with autographed merchandise, Panthers gear, and a signed letter thanking her for her support, setting Kelsey on a dangerous path in life by telling her that its ok to support losers. But the very fact that he has young children coming out of the woodwork to support him tells me that Cam’s “Woe-is-me” theatrics have made such a profound impact on his fans that they have a genuine concern that he needs to be coddled with fake trophys after he loses one game.  So while its nice that Newton sent her a ball signed by everyone else (in a not-so-suddle reminder that it wasnt just him who lost the Superbowl), he should probably think about putting the fans on a expense account for all the money there going to spend buying him cheer-me-up presents after each loss.

This weeks rating is: Refund the fans

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