Phillies Starting Off The Season HOT With A 0.0% Chance Of Making The Playoffs

Really, Fangraphs? I’m not saying those statistics aren’t realistic. They’re 100% are on point. There’s a better chance of pigs flying me over a dripping wet Samantha Hoopes to conquer my nuts than the Phillies even sniffing the postseason. But you couldn’t throw out a pity .1% just to cover your asses? Look, if history proves one thing, American history proves that everybody’s got a chance to win. Didn’t you guys ever hear of Valley Forge or Bunker Hill? I know Bovada has them at +15,000(!!!!!) to win the World Series (+3,300 to take down the NL East). Whatever. At least give us the slightest, insignificant fake hope that this team might win over 65 games this season.

I’m actually excited for the Phillies to get going. No, they’re not going to do dick, but at least they’ll be more entertaining to watch this year. I mean, at least we get to see some young bucks play instead of watching pensioner Jeff Francour struggle to breathe and Dom Brown attempt to think. Round up the troops, Pete, and start channeling your inner Lou Brown. Time to give everyone a nice big shitburger to eat.