KATU- A Girl Scout is selling boxes of cookies outside of a Portland pot shop Saturday, hoping to raise money for a summer trip to horse camp. She was selling under the supervision of her aunt, who said they came up with the idea of selling outside Foster Buds Marijuana Dispensary. The aunt said they had several customers within minutes of setting up their table. “The Girl Scouts organization said they don’t condone this, but it’s not against the rules,” she said.
God bless America and God bless capitalism. That’s how you sling cookies and become the Frank Lucas of Thin Mints. You don’t wait for the fiends to come to you. You go to where the fiends are and push your product down their throats. Basically the polar opposite of that Yelp girl from yesterday. This kid is just grinding, pushing A+ product and stacking paper like W.B. Mason.
And how about the Girl Scouts giving this kid shit for showing some brains and initiative? Weed money is just as green as any other type of money. While Sally and Jane are busting their asses going door to door and their parents are asking accounting for the third time this week to buy some cookies, this girl is moving weight like she is Oprah’s daughter. Mo’ money, mo’ problems for real.
Finally, I was able to retrieve my old Girl Scout cookie rankings from the DevNest Lost & Found Blogs desk. Without further ado, here they are:
12. Cranberry Citrus Crisps: Nice try, Girl Scouts. I guarantee this cookie came out when the scouts were trying some new health initiative. Cranberries suck and citrus is a nice way of saying “orange, lemon, and a bunch of shitty flavors”. They probably sell these in Mrs. Greens all year round so fat kids have something they can have for dessert.
11. Lemonades: Simply put, fuck you if you like lemon flavored cookies.
10. Savannah Smiles: They named this cookie after a porn star, right? Anyway, fuck you again if you like lemon flavored cookies. The powdered sugar and potentially sexual name bumps these up the list, however.
9. Rah-Rah-Raisins: The only time it is acceptable to eat raisins is in cookies. It is never acceptable to eat Greek yogurt, however. These made it to #9 because the name is fun to say.
9. Thanks-A-Lot: A pretty boring cookie. Should be called Go-Fuck-Yourself.
7. Trios: Chocolate chips + peanut butter + oatmeal cookie = Perfect, right? Almost. But this is a gluten free cookie, which only enables more people who don’t need to eat gluten-free to do so. These people are the worst people on planet Earth. Little known fact: ISIS actually started as a gluten-free support group.
6. Shortbread: As boring as the day is long. But there is some major nostalgia with shortbreads, since they were probably the first cookie ever created in the history of Earth. The missionary position of the cookie industry.
5. Do-si-dos: Oatmeal and peanut butter cookies on their own are heavyweights in the game. Combined they create this gem. However, we have all been in that situation where you say “I want the peanut butter cookies” and someone gave you Do-si-dos when you really wanted Tagalongs. Greek tragedy type stuff.
4. Toffee-tastic: Toffee is the most underrated candy in the game. You never see anyone eat Heath bars, but whenever you hear someone get toffee cookies or toffee in their ice cream, you tip your cap. The entire marketing department at Heath bar should be fired for this reason alone. And don’t complain about getting toffee in your teeth. Corn in the cob is one of the best parts of summer, and that shit lives in your teeth from Memorial Day until Labor Day.
3. Thin Mints: The Kobe Bryant of Girl Scout cookies. Both have been around forever and have a ton of fan fare. But their reputations these days are better than their actual performance. Putting Thin Mints in the freezer is like Kobe getting his blood doctored in Germany. It helped for a short time, but they will never be the best again.
2. Tagalongs: These things are the clear #2 and are peanut buttery smooth like Kevin Durant. But they miss that extra gear to put them over the top.
1. Samoas: Caramel, chocolate, and coconut on a cookie is the complete package. Samoas are like Steph Curry. They are the best around and any debate trying to prove otherwise is just hating on the king.