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"World's Fastest Stoner" Finishes Dead Last In Marathon Olympic Trials With Worst Finish Time In 16 Years

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NPR – The self-proclaimed “world’s fastest stoner” finished in last place at the trials for the 2016 Rio Olympics in Los Angeles on Saturday, with a time of 3:45:34. For casual runners, any time under four hours is considered respectable, but for the Olympic Trials — where the winning time was 2:11:12 — clocking a time over 3 hours is a massive failure. But Chris Barnicle, a former collegiate and professional runner who is now outspoken about how eating marijuana edibles has benefited his distance running, was mellow about his last place finish. He told the running website FloTrack that it was a tough race, but a “really, really special day.” Finishing 105th out of 105 runners wasn’t a disappointment for Barnicle, mostly because he wasn’t even expecting to participate until a few weeks before the race. That’s when he realized the trials would be held in Los Angeles, where he lives and works as a distributor for medical marijuana dispensaries. “It was around Christmas time this year, and I thought: I got the trials qualifier, I live in L.A., so I just got to sign up and renew my USATF membership and do it—it’ll be so much fun,” he told Runner’s World. He says, just three or four miles into the race, he realized that wasn’t going to happen. “I kept thinking there’d be people that were dying. But it was me that was dying. I was just trying to finish,” he said. Finish he did — though his time was the slowest men’s or women’s time since at least 2000, according to FloTrack. So just how slow was his time? Barnicle finished more than 30 minutes after the last-place finisher for the women, Joanna Zeiger, who has had multiple rib surgeries and was still suffering from rib pain, abdominal spasms, and nausea. She clocked 3:23:28.  Did he eat any edible marijuana the morning of the trials? “No comment,” he answered.

Turns out that smoking a shit ton of weed and consuming edibles all day long isnt the best way to make it to the Olympics. Who knew! Obviously I cant sit here and throw stones at this dude. It would probably take me 3 days and 45 minutes to finish a marathon. I’m actually pretty damn impressed with 3 hours 45 minutes. But you cant finish a half hour after the girl who had broken ribs. Like if you’re gonna run with the big boys and you’re gonna proclaim yourself “World’s Fastest…” anything, you cant come in 105 out of 105th and finish 30 minutes after the chick who’s going to run straight to the hospital for another rib surgery. Its like when Weird Haircut Seth said he could throw a football 60 yards. You cant hype yourself up like that and throw it 20 yards. Same thing here. World Fastest Stoner comes in dead last with the worst time in 16 years?