That folks is why an old, fat blogger will kiss his family goodbye to fly halfway around the world to Latvia in the middle of February to find out more about the rookie basketball player on his favorite team. Those dance moves are just DRIPPING with sex. The only thing wetter than Godzingis’ moves are his jumper. So goddamn smooth. I actually forgot at one point if I was watching the future of pro basketball or The Night At The Roxbury. It was that good.
And don’t overlook the guy in the middle, Knicks fans. That is Willy Hernangómez, Porzingis’ teammate from Sevilla that the Zen Master
traded bamboozled the Sixers for in a deal during the draft. It’s only a matter of time before Slick Willie flies across the pond to form an off-court tandem unlike anything New York has ever seen. It would be like if Mickey Mantle and Derek Jeter played for the Yankees at the same time and ran in the same circles. RIP the girls of NYC when The Big Kris And Slick Willie Show reunites in Gotham.
Onto other news.
Latvia Update: Hank and I are still doing fine, without any known attempts for people to kidnap us. Actually the biggest mistake of the trip so far was me booking our flights here with the Russian airline Aeroflot, which apparently the Syrians love to shoot downs. Whoops.
We have embedded ourselves deep in the Latvian culture, almost like Billy Costigan in The Departed. We have interviewed the locals, went to the Latvian Basketball Federation’s headquarters, which was basically one room with 14 people in it, running all the basketball operations for the entire country. Basically a smaller, much cleaner version of Barstool HQ.
The food in Latvia is a little suspect, however. Like they completely butchered Sweet & Sour Sauce at McDonald’s. I don’t know how that is even possible.
And poor Hank has hated almost everything he has eaten thus far. Just went out and bought a bunch of different types of peanut butter and jellies along with a loaf of bread, because he knew he would hate at least some of the jellies. I do worry about his diet right now. Then again, I am in no position to worry about anyone else’s eating habits.
We also played some hoops at some Olympic training center to try and learn the ways of Godzingis
Yes, I am huge. I have the game of Arvydas Sabonis and the body of Kevin Duckworth. Just the cards that I was dealt/the foods that I have eaten.
And caught a hockey game with full media credentials because we are a “New York media company”. Which apparently comes with a free shave and shape up.
Also a little fun fact is that the stone sidewalks of Latvia are so cold this time of year any precipitation that falls instantly turns to ice/snow. While I am an enormous human, I luckily have the guile of a mongoose and haven’t fallen…yet.