Valentine’s Day if you’re in a relationship is a lot of pressure. If you’re a girl, you know that everyone is going to be checking and judging your instagram and snap story to see what kind of night your guy planned, if you’re a guy you know if your girlfriend’s best friend from high school’s boyfriend outdoes you your girlfriend will treat you like a serial puppy murderder for the next two weeks. It’s hard to keep up with the Joneses this time of year. Which is why it’s helpful Estately (what is that?) published their 10 most Googled Valentine’s Day items by each state. Here were my 10 favorite gifts for each state.
10. Alabama, Lord Bryon Poetry: This list is bullshit because no one in Alabama reads poetry. Maybe they think Lord Bryon is Bear Bryant’s gay European cousin.
9. Florida, Pandora Jewelry: It’s nice to know that all the old people in Florida who order all their gifts off daytime television infomercials are still keeping the romance alive.
8. Indiana, Romantic Getaway: This is a great way of managing expectations because when you live in Indiana, literally going anywhere else on Earth constitutes a “Romantic Getaway.”
7. Alaska, Flower Delivery: I’ve heard delivering flowers to the office is an A+ move but does anyone work in an office in Alaska? I thought they were all fishermen and fur trappers.
6. Tennessee, Cheap Sex Toys: For when you want to get freaky with your girl but the moonshine market ain’t what it used to be. Thanks Obama.
5. Idaho, Adam and Eve: Someone get Chernin on the phone and tell him we need to start aggressively marketing toward Idaho and telling them they can get 20% off and two free gifts at the checkout counter by using promo code KFC!
4. New York: Some haters say Romantic Motel might be an oxymornon but not when you’re on-the-run meth dealers in St. Lawrence County it’s not.
3. Kentucky, Couples Tattoos: I love Kentucky staying true to who they are here. You and bae can be the belle of the ball at Rupp Arena with your couples Valentine’s Day tattoos: Your love may fade, but your matching Willey Cauley-Stein tribute tattoos never will.
2. New Mexico, Hickey: A hickey is not a gift, New Mexico, unless your date is a high school girl going to her first Dave Matthews Band concert and she wants to piss off her Dad the next day.
1. Texas, Plus-Size Lingerie: You literally cannot be more ‘Merican than the state of Texas and I can’t think of a gift more ‘Merican than Plus-Size Lingerie. Get your girl in the mood by showing her some of your High School Football highlights, a light little dinner of 37-pound brisket for two, get her to slip in the Plus-Size lingerie and size 58 Daisy Dukes and have yourself a goddamn night on Saturday, Texas.